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Available Exclusively at the Geiger Counter!

Posted by Unknown Thursday, August 4, 2011 0 comments

When it comes to powerfully good cake, the choice is (nu)clear:

And here's some fuel for thought: this wasn't a special order. It was just out in the display case, on the off chance someone was having a nuclear power plant themed occasion worth celebrating.

HOW WELL THEY KNOW ME.

Thanks to Clare M. for the rad wreckporting.

It's TOO DARN HOT

Posted by Unknown Thursday, July 28, 2011 0 comments

If you're not one of the people complaining about the heat right now, then you're one of the people complaining about the people complaining about the heat.

Either way, we all have the same problem:

Bad bikini cakes.

Yep, this record-breaking heat wave has clearly addled bakers' brains, my friends, and the results simply aren't pretty.

Unless maybe you're looking for two trees in a Seuss-ian landscape.

Er...

[head tilt]

Naaaah.

Whoah. It's like I can't even see the tomato soup skin!

[singing] The hills are ALIIIIVE...

With butterfly CENsor dots!

No, wait. I have a better song.

(Ahem hem hem.)

From the MOUNT-ains,

To the VAL-leys,

To the OH-shoot!

Is that a THOOOOONG?

GOOOOOD bless America!

My...

Oooohhh soooo wroooong!

Thanks to Heather R., Melissa D., Heather H., Ellen G., & Ginny, who will never look at a heart cookie the same way again.

Overselling It

Posted by Unknown Monday, July 25, 2011 0 comments

"Good day, Madam! Please allow me to welcome you to the West Rutheford Winery, Gastropub and Patisserie. Might I offer you a moist towelette?"

"Um, no. I just need to order a cake for my son's birthday, please."

"But of course! We have many, many cakes to choose from. If I may point out on our Ménu dú Jöur, here you see we have our Incredibly Moist Chocolate Cake Uniquely Finished By Hand With Butter Cream Icing."

"As you can see, it is 'Great For Any Occasion.'"

"Finished by hand? Are you sure feet weren't involved?" [smirking]

[ahem] "Ah, yes, very amusing. Well, Madam, if that is not your particular cup of Earl Gray, might I suggest our Moist Gold Cake Uniquely Hand Finished Tastes Just Like A Real "WATERMELON"?

"Soooo, it tastes like a watermelon?"

"Not at all, Madam. It tastes like a 'WATERMELON.'"

"Ah."

"Ah, but I have saved the best for last! It is the pièce de résistance of our repertoire, the crème de la crème, the horloge de le stylo du la baguette fo di fa fa! Behold!

"A Rich Belgian Chocolate Cup filled with a layer of moist yellow Cake, Fudge, and sweet cream Ice Cream and topped with fluffy white Frosting...

...and a menstrual duo."

"Ew."

"As you might expect, this is available but once a month."

...

"Madam? Wait! Where are you going?!"

Thanks to eagle-eyed Wreckporters Dawn C. and Aimee W. who are just glad that last one isn't red velvet.

Oh, and since *I* couldn't figure it out, I thought you might want to know that last label should read minstrel - which is apparently a type of cake. Plus, when Aimee pointed it out to the manager she shrugged, said they were all probably like that, and put it back on the shelf. Yay, quality control!

The Search for the World's Most Disturbing Shower Cake ENDS HERE

Posted by Unknown Friday, July 22, 2011 0 comments

You know how I'm always telling you baby butt cakes could be so much worse?

Things are about to get so much worse.

Heads up!

Wow. This is so stinkin' sexy, I almost didn't even notice the outie belly button.

Because fetus cookies are SO last year:

Goes great with mother's milk.

And lots of screaming.

Proving once again that bakers are takings posts on this blog as inspiration:

I'm torn (ha! Ew.) between asking what that gray pouch thing hanging out is and desperately, desperately, not wanting to know. In fact, know what? Don't tell me. I'm never having kids, so knowing what the inner lining's poop chute or whatever looks like is just one of those things I never need to know. Seriously. Leave me to my blissful ignorance.

And finally, look. I realize that a lot of talent was required to make some of these wrecks - I do! However, no amount of talent will ever make any part of this look yummy to me:

In fact, you could say the amount of talent a baker has when making a placenta has an inverse reaction to how much I want to eat said placenta.

Or, in other words:

SWEET BETTY CROCKER I AM NEVER EATING AGAIN.

Thanks to Matt R., Sarah M., Carl G., & Heather A. for today's gut-busters. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to skip lunch.

Window Pains

Posted by Unknown Tuesday, July 5, 2011 0 comments

So, you're opening a bakery. You've watched too much Cake Boss, opened a few dozen credit card accounts, and "sampled" enough cupcakes to confidently differentiate between "ganache" and "monkey poo."

What next?

The window display, of course!

This is your place to shine, aspiring baker! Show the people what you can really do!

Ah.

I see you're of the "writing on Styrofoam rounds with a Sharpie" skill set.

We can work with that.

After all, the most important thing is getting customers through the door - even if it is only to ask, "Dear God, what IS that THING?!"

It's a pacifier. You know, a cake for suckers?

Now, a good window display should appeal to both kids and kids at heart. Remember, cakes are all about fun! And color! And post-apocalyptic death tableaus!

Just think of all the gas-mask party favors you could make. Ooh, and festive radioactive warning streamers! Glowing fruit punch? Mushroom cloud side-cakes? Really, the possibilities are endless.

Of course, edible barren wastelands aren't for everyone. That's why you should also advertise your more [winkwink] adult flavors. [nudgenudge]

Photo removed at the request of the baker.

Please enjoy this lovely picture of Epcot.

And you can tell by the way that plastic half-lady is smelling her armpit that her plastic whole lady counterparts are gonna be hella sexy.

Or, if you're limited on space, you could always kill two birds with one horrendously disturbing Barbie cake:

Hey, how do you think Barbie paid for all those different careers, kids?

Well, bakers, however you choose to design your displays, just be sure they communicate friendliness, poise, and professionalism.

And also a strong grasp on the spelling of "ho bag":

Because, really, nothing is worse than a misspelled "ho bag" on your cookie cake.

Thanks to Amber P., Bianca S., Lauren C., Lauren R., Betsy R., & Dana F., who wonder if perhaps this showed up on C.M.'s performance review.

Wreck-A-Bye Baby

Posted by Unknown Monday, June 13, 2011 0 comments

Sometimes I like to think this blog might have a positive influence on current baking trends. (Oh, stop laughing. A girl can dream.) So, what do you say we mosey on over to a few of our nation's baby showers and see how things are going?

Wonderful!

I mean, sure, "beby" is misspelled, and there's a giant funky headboard thing happening, and the doll is staring at me all creepy-like, but the baby itself is not edible. That's progress, people!

Hey, a lot of those letters are right.

In fact - and feel free to correct me here if I'm wrong - I think "cohgrautions" may be the Canadian spelling.

You might be wondering how many tracts of land they had to search to find these two peas in a pod, or why the baker didn't make the "peas" green. That said, it's not a pregnant torso cake.

Plus it makes me want to start singing "Keep Walking" by the French Peas, so that's a "win" all 'round.

This next one may cause a bit of a flap, but I'll have no truck with such negativity:

After all, nothing drives home the beauty of motherhood quite like a pregnant mudflap girl. Eh? Eh? Am I right?

Well, my friends, I think I've made my point: baby shower cakes are getting better! And all because of me! ME, I SAY!! BWAHAHAHAAA!!

AHAHAHAAAHAA!!

BAHAHAHAA...

...huh?

AAAAAUUUGGHH!!

[blink blink]

Well.

Back to business as usual, then?

Thanks to Sose K., Krista M., Susan M., Bob S., & Carly A. for dashing my dreams. You cruel, cruel wreckporters, you.

Six Ways to Celebrate Your New Engagement

Posted by Unknown Wednesday, June 8, 2011 0 comments

- With giant yellow donuts:

Mmmm. Doooonuts.

- With "lots" and "lots" of "hearts."

"Perfect."

- By planning ahead.

Way, way, WAY ahead.

- By stressing the importance of family:

Actually, Darth Vader fighting Luke in honor of an impending marriage is kind of awesome. Let's just hope your in-laws have a good sense of humor.

(And make sure the baby shower cake looks like this.)

- By comparing your new life together to violently killing things:

"Here we see the groom taking aim at his violently diarrheatic bride-to-be.

"Ah, young love."

(Don't worry, kids; he's only going to tranq her 'til the green diarrhea stops.)

Or, of course, there's always the old standby:

- A syrupy sweet public display of affection that'll leave your guests sick to their stomachs:

"Dude. Some of us are trying to eat over here!"

Thanks to Sandy S., Abbey A., Matthew W., Rachel C., Naomi H., & Jule Ann H., who are so syrupy sweet they should be on a stack of pancakes.

But I am not advocating cannibalism.

Tae Kwon "DO'H!"

Posted by Unknown Monday, May 23, 2011 0 comments

Approach, students.

You have come to me asking that I be your guide along this tale of Wreckage, but first I should mention that little Kyle here is taking Tae Kwon Do:

I should also probably stop calling him "little" Kyle.

After all, he could be earning his "Black Blet:"

(Presumably by doing step aerobics.)

Or, he might look like this:

(And wouldn't that be a boot to the head?)

Or - OR - he might know 6-year-old Mercedes here:

And, shoot, that's one little pistol I aim to avoid.
(I hear she's got a hair-trigger temper.)

Thanks to Heather H., Heather D., Liz M., and Kelsey E., for today's round of bullet points. Now, let us rejoin the mind to the body and meditate upon this wisdom.

And maybe sing a little.

Nyaa nyaa!

What Would Your Mother Say?

Posted by Unknown Tuesday, May 10, 2011 0 comments

Because brunch isn't over 'til Mom asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Hideous butterfly cake: $9.99
Download of Christina Aguilera's single, "Beautiful": $1.29
Convincing mom you weren't being sarcastic: Dinner at Red Lobster and three years of guilt.

So which is it? "I'm Love you Mom," or "I'm Love Mom?"
DANGIT, MAN, WE NEED TO KNOW.

I like to think this one was inspired by Isaac Asimov:

The first law of moms: A mom may not injure her child or, through inaction, allow her child to come to harm. No matter how many times said child asks to go to the bathroom.

(And if you got that joke, you may now award yourself 15 geek points.)

Like they always say, "If Mather ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy."

Bringing all of her concentration and communication skills to bear, Jean was finally able to place the apostrophe correctly.

So, hey, that's something.

One thing you can always count on: moms will always love their kid's artwork. Always.

Ok, so maybe this one could use a few more plastic butterflies.

And finally, while I appreciate a good multi-use cake pan as much as the next dessert addict, I'm not sure it sends the most appropriate message on Mom's special day to give her the finger:

The string is to remind you of your proctologist's appointment later this week.

'Cuz, hey, even #1 Moms have to go #2!

Thanks to wreckporters Jody G., Meg G., Adriel H., Suzanna P., Laura H., & Anony M., who think that last cake is a real nail-biter.

Mom Gets the Last Word

Posted by Unknown Monday, May 9, 2011 0 comments

There are so many ways to tell your mom what she means to you.

And after yesterday, now we know all the wrong ones.

"Of all the moms out there, you are definitely one of them."

Oh, sorry, did you want a number sign?

Nooo problem.

Yep, whether it was a misspelling...

Lovly.

... a "buy-a-vowel" special...

"I think I'll spin again, Pat."

...or even a biologically inaccurate euphemism...

Hush, Dad. Today Mom gets all the credit.

...our bakeries really plumbed the depths of mother's day messes this year.

In fact, I have lots more where those came from. So brace yourselves, wreckies:

'Cuz Mothday Day is just getting started over here. Woot woot!

Thanks to Beth I., Jeanie P., Misty Y., Allison C., Mollie B., & Alyssa H. for finding Mom's very own Falker Satherhood.

I'll Drink to That!

Posted by Unknown Thursday, May 5, 2011 0 comments

HAPPY MEXICAN INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

Woohoo! Way to get all independent and stuff, Mexico!

(Pass the Corona.)

Wait. What? It's *not* Mexican Independence Day? But it makes so much sense: we have 4th of July, they have 5 of Mayo - it's perfect! And we can drink to that!

Well, fine.

HAPPY EDIBLE SOMBRERO DAY!!

Yes, it's a sombrero. Trust me.

So are these:

Lovely little piles of...sombreros.

And this:

We just need to keep drinking until they make sense!

(Pass the Corona.)

Hmm? What's that? I still don't have it right? UG. Fine.

[consulting Wikipedia]

A-HA! Here we go. Sorry about the previous confusion, guys.

HAPPY "EAT A MEXICAN" DAY!!

Whoah. If ever a cake needed beer goggles...

But wait, there's more!

And more...

And lots, lots more:

Plus another sombrero. Huzzah.

NOW can we head to the bar?

I think I need a drink.

Thanks to Andrea E., Selana, Danielle H., Mary H., Lauren R., Ashley A., Anony M., Melanie, & Sarah D., who think we should always celebrate cultural diversity with cake head effigies and 2-for-1 happy hours.

Notes from john: Just a couple of things to remember-
1. Mexican Independence Day is September 16th.
2. We didn't make the cakes.
3. Thank you.