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National yawn Golf Month

Posted by Unknown Friday, August 5, 2011 0 comments

Contrary to popular belief, golf is not a complete waste of time. Many people, for example, use golf as a means to rid themselves of cumbersome money. Other, more talented players, actually use it as a means to rid themselves of cumbersome marriages.

"Just getting the Tiger's eye view, dear!"

Still, whatever your reasons, golf can be an "entertaining," "exciting," and "fun" "sport."

So let's look at some golf cakes, shall we?

Now, the object of golf is to hit a tiny ball...

...off a large pile of crap. This is known as the "drop shot."

Next, assuming that you manage to hit the ball, you may end up on "the green."

So lush.

Now, golf courses come in all shapes and sizes, which allows for a wide range of difficulty, scenery, and funny faces:

"The good news is you've got a nice straight shot.

"The bad news is that ball is to scale."

Which reminds me: would you believe the term "lead foot" originated in golf?

If so, then let me tell you the one about the goofy cake blogger who knew obscure factoids about sports.

Every golfer worth his pom-pom hat/argyle knee-socks/plaid bloomers knows the importance of a great golf bag:

Which is apparently what this is.

In fact, this style of bag is known as the "Schweitzer Bag," named after the famous German golfer, Albert Bag.

And finally, let's go over some essential golf terminology:

Fore = what you yell before you whack someone with a golf ball.

For = how you indicate who gets the ugly golf cake.

"Four" = *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Golf claps all 'round to wreckporters Brandi T., Lauren F., Sam, Zakes C., K Eva., Stephanie, and Amelia B.

Vehicular Cakeslaughter

Posted by Unknown Wednesday, August 3, 2011 0 comments

Every now and then - and I'm not saying this happens often - professional bakers have a little trouble making cakes that look like...well, anything. (See examples here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here , here, here, here, here, and here .)

Perhaps hardest of all is the vehicle cake. There's just something about all those shapes and circles and squares that drives even the most hardened Shop-a-Lot Davinci to edible clip art with the watermarks still on:

Now, if only we had a picture of chocolate drizzle and sprinkles...

So let's say you want KITT from Knight Rider on your cake:

Binka binka binka binka dinka binka dinka binka...

[That was me singing the theme song. Obviously.]

Rather than attempt the entire car, your baker might try to home in on KITT's most distinguishing feature:

The ketchup-and-mustard smear under his seat.

Or how about this tractor?

At first glance, you might think this could be broken down into a simple drawing of two boxes on two wheels.

BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG.

It's an extremely complicated design, and rendering it in icing is so unbelievably difficult that the finished product would be far beyond the bounds of mere mortal comprehension.

Yeah. Like that.

And finally, let's say your child wants a school bus cake:

(Oh, you know this is going to be good.)

You might end up with this:

It's not short. It's "fun sized!"

Thanks to Andie K., Brooke & Mike K., Lea B., & Pete H. for keeping us on track today.

A Harry Situation

Posted by Unknown Friday, July 15, 2011 0 comments

My friends, today marks a tragic milestone for Harry Potter fans.

It's the day I feature more Harry Potter wrecks.

Ten points from Bakingdor!

And you're to stay after class and chop up every single High School Musical cellphone deco kit.

'Cuz I hate those things.

Here's a positively dizzying array of wreck:

See that photo of the little girl under the cake? She's wearing the same expression I had when *I* first saw this cake: confused, disappointed, and slightly nauseated.

I'll give you a hint on this next one:

It's a golden snitch.

To be fair, maybe it's supposed to be the one Harry spit out.

I'm sorry, but I have to bring back two old favorites:

Eat your heart out, Daniel Radcliffe.

Or maybe just your unfortunately rendered underbite.

Don't you hate it when your Quidditch cakes turns into Harry Potter and the Deathly Gallows?

Tsk, tsk. Such a noose-ance.

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.

This is not Hedwig:

It's Ron's owl, Pigwidgeon.

Who is a total square.

And finally, while I know not everyone out there loves Harry Potter as much as I do, at least we can all agree on one thing:

There is about to be some SERIOUS nerd rage going on in here.

Thanks to Emily R., Jackie N., Char M., Rebecca J., Erin M., Jesse D., & Michelle M., who think Team Lupin vs Team Snape would work. You know, because of Snape's sparkling personality.

Making New Friends

Posted by Unknown Monday, June 20, 2011 0 comments

In an effort to get to know you readers a bit better, today I thought we'd have one of you introduce yourselves. You know, foster a little more community and whatnot.

So, take it away, Debbie!

Hello! My name is Debbie, and this is my first attempt at a Cake Wrecks bio. So I'm nervous, but excited at the same time! Wheee!

So, I'm just going to start talking about what I like, and hope you like it!

Um. Let's see. I am... a relatively new Cake Wrecks reader. Um. I love...

...cats.

I love every kind of cat.

I love cats with fur, and cats without fur, and cats in hats, and cats that don't even look like cats...

[sniffle]

I'm sorry. I just...I just really love cats.

[wiping eyes]

And...and I just want to hug all of them because I love them but I can't 'cuz that's crazy I can't hug every cat. BUT I WANT TO. You know? I WANT TO HUG EVERY CAT.

[blowing nose]

Um. Wow. Sorry - I got a little emotional there. Heh.

I also like to...to...

[sob]

I'm sorry; I'm thinking about cats again.

I just...I just LOVE them, and I WANT them. I want them in a basket, and I want them in little bow ties, and I want them to be on a rainbow, and I want a house FULL OF CATS and we would all ROLL AROUND...

[more sobbing]

'Cuz they're all just so CUTE with their little whiskers...

...and their little ears...

...and their little delicious vital organs...

So, yeah. I guess you could say I'm a cat lover.

Um.

And I like to run.

Thanks to Minyassa, David G., Judy E., Briana T., Rachel R., Nancy S., Michelle F., Emily Z., & Stewart C., who are also inspired to run. Far, far away.

And if you haven't seen the live action version of today's post yet, here 'tis:

Ties That Bind

Posted by Unknown Thursday, June 16, 2011 0 comments

Ah, neck ties. Those glorious, generic "Dad" gifts that men have enjoyed - nay, cherished! - since the invention of clothing. After all, what can make you feel more alive than a silk noose around your neck signifying lifelong membership in the greater corporate collective? Hmmm?

And, naturally, when it comes to getting dad a cake on his special day, bakers sure know how to please:

They, uh, also appear to have a rather low opinion of dads' fashion sense.

Or maybe they've read that a lot of men are at least partially colorblind, and decided Dad wouldn't notice:

I'm calling it: yellow and beige is the most disgusting color combination known to man.

Or maybe they think we were all raised in the circus.

"To Dad, Our Favorite Bozo."

Hey, remember that time Dad said his new tie from Aunt Edna looked like crap?

Well, they've got a cake for that, too!

The sprinkles really sell it.

Of course, then there are the bakers who've never actually seen a tie...

...but wouldn't think of letting that stop them.

But my friends, it doesn't have to be this way.

Just say "no" to tie cakes! Say "no" to boring clichés! Instead, go with creativity! Go with quality! Go with...

...a flaming Quidditch Snitch riding a unicycle on a tank top cake!

Yeah.

You're welcome, fathers everywhere.

Many tanks to Anne J., Luli M., Vanessa B., Denise M., Zoe I., & Becky T. for getting all tied up on our behalf. [mrowr]

Oh, and a belated "epi briday" to Dorothy "big deal" M. Nappy blob blob, Dor!

Hats Off For Grads!

Posted by Unknown Thursday, June 9, 2011 0 comments

Way, way, WAY off.

Seriously. I still don't see it.

Now, for the past few years this has been the gold standard for wrecked grad cap cakes:

And believe me, that is one tough standard to beat.

Still, this year's wreckerators are certainly giving it their "best" effort:

My. How...swirly.

This design brought to you by the bad guy in Fifth Element.

(10 geek points if you get that reference, and 25 if you know his name.)

And finally, my personal favorite: two cherries projectile vomiting on a picnic table:

I need an old cherry pitter, and a young cherry pitter.

A tip of the hat to wreckporters Angi C., Casey H., April P., Jennifer S., & Holly K., who find that the power of cake compels them. (Although that last one really is the pits.)

Aaaand...HEADDESK!

Posted by Unknown Monday, June 6, 2011 0 comments

To learn the definition of the term "headdesk" you could look it up in the urban dictionary.

Or you could just look at these cakes.

Your spelling's not! Thanks!

(Bonus: Read that line out loud, and every preschooler within earshot will love you.)

STOP.
It's time to get the hammer.

Roo Hoo? Dangit, now I want a Yoo Hoo.
Do they even still make those?

Basketball fans, the ball's in your court.

So remember: it's "i" before "e" except when you're trying to draw a friggin' peace sign.

Which, incidentally, is supposed to look like this:

[repeated thudding sound]

[rubbing forehead] Thanks to Shawna K., Mary D., Caitlin I., Stacey S., & Angi A. for this awful headache.

Get Used to Disappointment

Posted by Unknown Wednesday, June 1, 2011 0 comments

It's time once again to take all your lofty dreams of realized cake-ordering expectations... and douse them with the bitter dregs of cold, hard reality.

Oh, yeah. It's gonna be THAT good.

What they ordered:

What they got:

And here I thought all carrots grew under the ground.

Ordered:

Got:

A tip of the hat for an exceptionally crumby job.

Ordered:

Got:

Finally. A baby cake I wouldn't mind cutting.

Happy day at the pool:

Nightmare at La Brea Tar Pits:

Anyone else having flashbacks of Tasha Yar's death scene?

Thanks to Megan G., Candace R., Alisha T., Catie S., & Suzanne S., who all "exceed expectations." Mostly because my expectations are really, really low.

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