professional cakes - cakes wrecks

My friends, there's an epidemic sweeping our nation's bakeries that I think you should know about: SPATIAL AWARENESS DISORDER.














Thanks to Chris S., Rebecca M., Marina C., Rachel P., Cindy E., Marc, Trish M., & Alison for finally exposing the third rail of cake decorating.

Hey, did you know that the income tax deadline here in the U.S. has been pushed back 'til Monday?

(I'll pause here to allow those of you whooping for joy to catch your breath.)

Well, if you're like me, this means you might want to get started on your taxes sometime today, or this weekend, or maybe even Monday morning. After all, as a wise man once said, "[remember to insert procrastination quote before post goes up]!"

So, in our eternal quest to help you readers in the most sincere way possible using funny cakes, here is a complete, comprehensive guide for doing your taxes.

Step 1. Mix 2 ounces ea. of vodka, tequila, rum and gin - with a splash of Coke - and drink immediately.



Step 2. Pull shoebox of receipts from laundry hamper and take wild guess as to how much you spent last year.

This can include children, imaginary friends, other people's children, other people's imaginary friends' children, pets, favorite CDs, and certain plants. Refer to Article J, Paragraph 42, Section 3.14159 on "Ficus Financials," for more information.


Step 4. Write down all information in a legible manner:





Step 5. Go to the nearest ATM and empty your checking account, savings account, and pockets. This is what you owe.

It's always a good idea to send your payment in cash, and stuck to a cupcake. The IRS enjoys playful pranks like this, and will doubtless credit your account several hundred dollars in exchange for the laugh.

Well, we hope you've enjoyed our comprehensive tax guide. Now, if you need us, we'll just be vacationing somewhere you've never heard of outside U.S. jurisdiction.

You know that optical illusion that looks like an old woman one way, and a young girl the other?

Well, this cake is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike that.

So far I've assembled a list of 42 different words that this might be, including "@Loehoe," "Soekuc,"and "Slartibartfast." And yes, so far as I know, this is supposed to be "English."

Anyway, I've given up.

In fact, I can't help but be impressed by this individual's cryptography skills. Hey NSA, I've got your next Enigma machine right here! Think about it: for the cost of a piping bag and some chocolate, you'll never have to fear Wikileaks again. Eh?

So long, Jackie W., and thanks for all the fish.


Achtung!!! Es tut mir leid; Ich bin eine Sachertorte! Fahrvergnügen! Neenër neenër!

Words are a vital part of the wedding ceremony. With them you promise to love and cherish one another, declare your commitment publicly, and tell Uncle Randall to ease up on the Jägerbombs. Or at least stop dancing.

So, it's no wonder that some couples want to incorporate words on their wedding cake. And it's also no wonder - at least to me, heh - when those words spell disaster.

Or misspell it, as the case may be.

Note that the baker used the classic Wilton letter press on the first tier, but then gave up and free-handed the rest. And how "forword" is misspelled. And that "for worse" is left off. Now note the spacing. And the colors. And the...oh, are you ready to move on?


I'm told one or two of those words are misspelled, but frankly I was too distracted by the heaps of soggy seaweed to notice. Maybe that's the point?

It's National Handwriting Day! That's right, it's time again to take a moment to appreciate the handcrafted artistry that is personal penmanship.

- Try, try again.



- Hide it.



- Keep 'em guessing.

Is that thing a butterfly, a flower, a shamrock, or something else entirely? Who knows? The important thing is your clients will be too preoccupied guessing to notice your wrecked up writing.


- Move to an earthquake-prone region.


- Quit while you're ahead.



Thanks to Andrea B., Raymond P., Megan R., Tanya R., Jessica, Westly W., Kelley B., Zachary S., and Julie B., who know that quitting is the better part of valor. Or something.

To wrap up this week's "virtual" tour, we're heading over to Neatorama, repository of all things interesting. From geek crafts to fascinating architecture, urban art to bizarre animal facts, there's a little of everything here.

While debating what Wreck theme to do for Neatorama, I remembered this article titled "Is cursive handwriting necessary?", and I thought, hey, this would be an excellent time to voice my opinion on that very question!

Hem hem hem! Ok, here goes.

Firstly, I'd like to begin with:


In addition to:


Secondly, I'd like to point out:


And furthermore...


Some skeptics, of course, disagree. To them I say:


So in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen:


Thank you all. I'll get off my soapbox now.


Ashleigh E., Anony M., Alison P., T.X., Heidi, & Abby M., I trust you got my point?


Don't miss my virtual visit with Alex, Neatorama's founder, here!

And if you live in Portland, don't forget to come see me and John at Powell's tonight!

- Related Wreckage: A Lesson in Proper Penmanship

...of a Wreckerator.

1. Practice handwriting/piping skills


2. Finally beat the deli guy at Pictionary


3. Mark down the moldy "green velvet" cakes


4. Get in touch with inner child. (Something artsy?)



- Related Wreckage: It's a Wreck Off!

Today, class, we're going to review the art of cake inscriptions, as well as some problem-solving techniques that will come in handy while on the job. Now remember: the hand-written message is the crowning jewel of every cake, and should showcase not only your skill, but also how much you care.

Take this one, for example:

Lovely, Dana K., lovely. There's no question that Ben felt special upon seeing this. Oh, and class, see how she filled in that awkward blank area with a mass of ribbon? That's called "thinking on your feet." There's no sense in wasting edible decor when you can simply reuse gift wrap you have on hand.

Andy B., pop quiz: What do you do when you run out of icing mid-inscription? Do you make more, or simply switch colors and hope no ones notices?

Haha, that's correct! Remember, class: Many children are colorblind. And the ones that aren't are generally too buzzed on sugar and caffeine to notice petty things like spacing, spelling, or sperm-like balloons.

Now, Erin S., say you have a small cake that someone wants you to write a message on, but you've also been wanting to try out the new 'blob' flower technique you saw on Careless Cakes. Which gets priority: the message, or the blobs?

Also correct! You see, class, this is why it's important to fill the entire cake with your design; so the message you write on top of it is uniformly difficult to read. As an added bonus, it's much harder for the client to spot any misspellings this way.

And lastly, Bethany T. is going to show us two things every baker should make more use of: plastic picks and abbreviations.

Wow, Bethany; I think that "BS" stands for "Beautifully Scripted!" I like how the color almost matches the birthday pick, too, but is off just enough to clash spectacularly - that took a lot of talent, I know.

[bell ringing] Well, that's all we have time for today, class. Remember to practice those blobs for next week's "Plop-a-Flower" review!