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Killer Thrillers (HEEhee!)

Posted by Unknown Tuesday, August 2, 2011 0 comments

[howling wind]

[howling dog]
[howling wind and dog together]
[plus a sprinkling of light rattling chains]

Darkness falls across the land...

Prince Humperdink: SKIP to the end!

Oh. Ok.

[ahem]

The fowl-est stench is in the air...

"Quack."

The FUNK of forty thousand years!

Give or take an eon.

And Grizzly ghouls from EVERY tomb...

Or maybe a Canadian Black Bear, eh?

Are closing in...to seal your DOOM.

Patriotically.

And though you fight to stay alive...

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm missin'myarm, and whereismyface?"

Your body starts to SHIVER.

...me timbers!

(Or maybe that's Orlando Bloom. Hm? LADIES?)

For no MERE MORTAL can resist...

Baby Cthulhu!

Or...

... David Caruso riding a unicorn under a double rainbow!

The EVIL...

(Oh. Or that)

...of...

THE GRILLER.

MUAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHA!

AHA...

Wait.

Is that supposed to be steak?

Ew.

Thanks to Melinda M., Sarah C., Natasha, Nell H., John M., Rebecca J., Carrie, Robin L., Wolfie, and P. Humperdink for saving us from having to find a cake for "y'alls neighborhood."

john (the hubby of Jen) In The Flesh

Posted by Unknown Thursday, July 14, 2011 0 comments

My friends, today is National Nude Day, which is why I... [ripping off Velcro pants]...will be writing this post entirely butt nekkid. Aw yeeeah. In fact, I suggest you join me! Just be considerate of your family and cubicle mates, and be sure to walk around and extend a personal invitation to each of them, too.

Now, you may be asking yourself, how will I know that john (the hubby of Jen) is actually naked? Well, here's a picture as proof:

I like to oil up when I write about cake.

Now, let's do this thing!

Here we have a ...

I'm sorry. Excuse me...this chair is really...erph!...scratchy.

So. Here's a turtle:

Oh! Hang on a sec; my neighbor is watering her lawn.

[opening door]

Hi, Mildred! Did you know it's National Nude Day?

Mildred? Don't run so fast, dear, remember your hip surgery!!

She's such a sweetie.

Now, check out this hot little chick:

That is some serious duck face.

(Question: is it ok to scratch below the belt with a back scratcher? Asking for a friend.)

And now, a taco:

Or possibly a hot dog.

Never thought I'd get those two mixed up, to be honest.

(Another question: are wood back scratchers dishwasher-safe?)

Huh. That's odd. Ever get the feeling somebody's watching you?

Must be the cold draft in here.

[crossing legs]

And finally, because this post has been the picture of modesty and decorum so far, let's end with something really inappropriate:

Hey, Carol G., Marianne F., Susan M., Sarah A., & Alexandra, for the last time: I'm up here.

Parental Payback

Posted by Unknown Thursday, July 7, 2011 0 comments

Parents, when it comes to planning your child's birthday party, prepare for a lot of whining, temper tantrums, and willful brattiness.

Plus your kids might be a pain, too.

Well, here's one way to exact a little revenge: your kids' birthday cake.

Can't sleep. Barney will eat me.

Yep, there's something about seeing their favorite lovable character transformed into a homicidal psychopath that could slightly unhinge more impressionable minds.

"To infinity! and killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill."

Hey, whatever doesn't make your children soil themselves in panic-stricken terror only makes them stronger, right?

"Now, don't worry, kids; Elmo's more afraid of you than you are of him!

"Billy, would you like to do the honors? Let's start with a good clean stab through Elmo's eye. Go on.

"Oh, quit crying. Birthday boys *like* eating Muppet eyes! And just look at that face! Elmo wants you to eat him!"

Ok, granted, you'll be the one paying for their therapy sessions later, but in the meantime...

Spongebob No Pants is here to say hello, kids!

Besides, sometimes there are added benefits:

I'm pretty sure your daughter will never ask for a pony again.

Thanks to wreckporters Laurie H., Stephanie L., Kevin H., Fraulein M., & Jennifer S., who think I should totally write parenting books. (Working title: Odds Are, They'll Live.)

Yesterday Was Thursday

Posted by Unknown Friday, May 13, 2011 0 comments

It's Friday, Friday, Friday!!!

Are we we we so excited?

YES.

Because it's not just ANY Friday...

[dum dum DUMMM]

...it's Friday the 13th, lollipops.

Er...I mean, suckers. Yeah.

So beware...

AAIIIEEEEE!!!

...because today, your baked goods just might try to KILL YOU:

More than usual, I mean.

"I don't remember any legs, but it definitely had arms, because it reached out for me!"

"And then...then it started free-handing flowers with the star tip!!"

AAAAIIIEEEE!!!

Thanks to Joy F., Diess, Ashley W., Rebecca R., & Kimberly C., who think this calls for another visit to...[dum dum DUMMM] Hell's Bakery:

"Enjoy!"

Oh, and remember: tomorrow is Saturday.

And Sunday comes afterward.

Totally Awesome

Posted by Unknown Monday, May 2, 2011 0 comments

"Bakers, it has come to our attention that 'morale' is 'low.' Therefore, effective immediately, we will be instituting mandatory staff meetings every Friday at 3pm to get to the bottom of this problem.

During these meetings you will each be required to list at least one 'awesome' thing about working here. Susan, GO."

"Oh, come on, this is so STU...."

"Did I mention this will be on your monthly review?"

"...PENDOUS! Haha! Yeah! [grabbing manager by lapels] WORKING HERE IS AWESOME."

"Something more specific, please."

"Oh. Ok. Um...

"Oh, I know! Making the candy apples is awesome.

"It really gets my aggressive tendencies out."

"I...see. Bob?"

"I like misspelling things and then convincing the customer it's actually spelled that way."

"Cracks me up every time!"

"Bob, I'm not sure this is exactly..."

"Ooh, yeah! And scaring the kids! That is SO awesome, am I right?" [high-fiveing Bob]

"Alright, everyone, if you'll just wait your turn..."

"Oooh, crap!"

"What's wrong, Debra?"

"No, that's my awesome thing! Putting chocolate poo swirls on everything!"

"I call it my number two special. Haha!"

[sigh] "And Mary? What about you?"

"I like giving the customers exactly what they ask for."

"Ah, excellent! You see, everyone? Now this is...

"No, I mean EXACTLY what they ask for."

"It's totally awesome." [giggle]

"Well, I think that's enough for today. I hope this meeting has helped remind you all to cherish the little things, and to really enjoy your jobs here. Now, next week: Airbrushing! See you then."

Thanks to Denise G., Gema B., Amanda N., Meagan B., & Anne L. for being, um, awesome.

Oh, and hey, here's something that really IS awesome: my friend Neil of 1,000 Awesome Things has a free copy of his new book, The Book of Even More Awesome, for five of you lucky readers!

For a chance to win, just leave a comment telling me one of your favorite awesome things. It can be anything: getting extra icing on your slice of cake, picking the fastest line at the supermarket, snagging the last one of that sale item you wanted - you name it. We'll announce the five winners both here - on this post - and on the CW Facebook page at 12 midnight, EST, so be sure to check back!

**************************

GIVEAWAY UPDATE! After randomly selecting five comments, we have our winners! Congrats to the following readers who shared a few of their favorite awesome things.

Sunshine Dayz at 10:17am, who understands how awesome it is to find a few extra hours of sleep before the alarm goes off. (We share this joy with you.)

qurlyloks at 12:34pm, who REALLY appreciates awesome caffeinated coffee.

Elizabeth C., at 1:54pm, who thinks it's "inconceivable" (and awesome) that her kitties unleash cuddly kryptonite! You wanted Neil's book? As you wish.

TCC at 3:06pm, who loves awesome unexpected treats (and turns it up to 11).

soarin_ca4 at 8:37pm, who shares a birthday with David Beckham (which happens to be today). I bet winning Neil's book just made your birthday even more AWESOME.

Congrats again to our winners! Please email us your mailing addresses. Thanks to everyone for the great comments. So much awesomeness!

The Yolk's On Us

Posted by Unknown Friday, April 22, 2011 0 comments

I'll be posting my Passover greetings this Monday, but in the meantime, allow me to wish the rest of you a truly heartfelt...

And I mean that.

All together now! Who are we?

W-R-E-C-K-I-E-S!

And what are we celebrating?

E-D-S-T-E-R!!

It's kind of like Easter, only for people named Ed who have an aversion to script.

Of course, to many people Easter is the celebration of Christ's resurrection.

To others, it's the celebration of strung-out bunnies in search of their next omelet.

Sometimes this can lead to Easter being accused of over commercialization, and focusing too little on its religious roots. However, when it comes to cake, at least, I think I can speak for us all when I say...

(Photo removed at the request of the baker. Please enjoy this lovely photo of Epcot.)*

Let's just stick to wrecking the bunnies.

After all, the lamb cake is often said to represent either the Passover lamb or Christ himself. So with that in mind, look at this cake:

[shiver]

Now tell me: which is creepier? That, or...

...this?

Ok, we'll call it a draw.

In fact, both of those were so creepy I nearly pooped a pumpkin! But then I realized that wouldn't be season-appropriate. So instead, I...

...excreted an egg.

Thanks to Megan C., Kelley N., Lisa B., Byron K., Erin E., Kristy B., & Darla D. for cracking us up. Hard-boiled humor like this always goes over easy.

*The picture we removed was of a cross cake which was a bit wonky, had random decorations and was "decorated" (squirted) with white icing. Really quite lovely especially if you're a fan of king cakes.

The Easter Bizarre

Posted by Unknown Thursday, April 21, 2011 0 comments

I know we've been seeing some odd Easter treats this week, so today I thought we'd get back to basics.

After all, nothing beats a nice, time-honored, classic Easter...

...loaf of bread.

Yep, Easter is now ~~infecting~~ spreading its cheer throughout the entire bakery!

Just look at this happy character:

Cocaine Bunny sez:

"I'm your monkey fighting FANTASY! Just check the tag." [sniff]

Other bakeries are endorsing bunny-cide in more...creative ways:

Because the Alien chest-burster scene always makes me hungry.

Speaking of which, this one gives a whole new meaning to "Alien face hugger":

When it comes to spotting Wrecks, he's all ears.

Next we have the traditional Trojan Rabbit:

Just don't leave it unsupervised come nightfall.

Thanks to Christine C., Sue, Bliss B., Ali M., & Shannon C., who think two Monty Python references in two days is just wrong. After all, everyone knows THREE is the number thou shalt count.

Time to Chicken Out

Posted by Unknown Wednesday, April 20, 2011 0 comments

You guys, Easter is this Sunday!

Quick!

Let's terrorize some children!

"Ohh nooo!"

Oh, YES, 'fraidy cat half-chicken! For far too long now, Easter has been the holiday of the cute and cuddly. Well, NO MORE.

"It's PAYBACK time, beechez."

"Bwahaha!"

"Yeah. Just you wait 'til I roll over there, kids. Just you wait.

"Right, Bugsy?"

"Ohh yes. Meet your hippity-hoppity nightmare, young whippersnappers!"

Or shall I introduce you to the Ghost of Easters Past?

Alright. This chick is toast!

Now, brave Wreckies, if ye do doubt your courage - or your strength! - come nae further!

For DEATH awaits you all...

...with nasty, big, pointy teeth!!

[blink blink]

Um....

Soooo...

Lamb chop, anyone?

Thanks to Shannon C., Heather, Summer B., Jekka G., Candice C., Danna F., Rachel P., & Jennifer D., who tell me that goes great with mint jelly filling.

Now: run awaaaay!!