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Aw, Poo

Posted by Unknown Monday, July 18, 2011 0 comments

Let this be a warning to anyone nicknamed "Peanut."

"Howdy ho!"

"Let's see...we've got a big pitted clump of chocolate icing, and lots of red gel leaking out the cracks. What else does this cake need?

"Oh! I know!"

"More roughage!"

(A pine tree counts, right?)

Suddenly, having my mouth washed out with soap doesn't sound like such a bad thing:

Giving new, literal meaning to a "sh*t-eating grin?"

(Btw, I made sounds I didn't think were humanly possible when I first saw this photo. Kind of a hairball-esque gargle. It was horrifying.)

Bakers, when making chocolate seashells for a wedding cake, here's something to keep in mind:

They *do* make white chocolate.

Bakers, when looking for a quick way to clean the chocolate sauce off your fingers, here's another thing to keep in mind:

Don't do this.

And finally: bakers, when attempting to entice your customers with a sweet chocolate treat, here's the last thing that should be on your mind:

Gnarly poop fingers.

Of dooooom.

Thanks to Ashley/Peanut, Megan E., Tracey S., Kate M., Fabiola I., & Chani, who actually have a band named "Gnarly Poop Fingers of DOOOOOOM." In my mind. Where it's AWESOME.

Swing and a Miss

Posted by Unknown Friday, June 24, 2011 0 comments

NOTE: Today's post may not be appropriate for young children who understand double entendres.

Look, I'm not going to say I'm proud of what I first saw when I looked at this cake, butt...

Ok, I'm a little proud.

Also, dad's ball seems a little low.

Speaking of which, go ahead: tell me this placement wasn't intentional:

And maybe I'm out in left field here, but don't you usually tend to see this kind of thing around third base?

Still, at least that baker has actually seen a baseball bat before. This one seems to have confused it with some kind of joystick:

And in related news, something something "some kind of joystick."

See? These jokes practically write themselves.

Ah. I see the force is strong with this one:

Show off.

Also, is that a Chef's hat, or a pile of poo? 'Cuz I can't make heads or tails of it.

And finally, men, do you experience a burning sensation when you go?

...to bat, I mean? Go to bat?

Thanks to Adria P., Amy U., Stephanie D., A. R., Denise H., and V.D. for that last joke.

Flagging Enthusiasm

Posted by Unknown Monday, May 30, 2011 0 comments

For reasons so obvious I won't even bother trying to explain them, Memorial Day has come to be synonymous with one thing and one thing only.

(Wait. There's also the furniture sales.)

Ok, two things and two things only.

Furniture sales, and this:

Just to clarify, I'm talking about grilling, not fecally suggestive icing puddles.

Yep, all over the country people are celebrating our military heroes by consuming good old-fashioned American hamburgers...

Flattened and with mayo on top, the way our founding fathers intended.

Hot dogs...

You can tell it's a hot dog because it clearly says, "Hat Dog."

...and, of course, whatever these are:

I'm going with "flaming Doritos."

Of course, bakeries know there's more to this holiday than food that looks like the other food you'll be eating today. That's why they also offer more "patriotic" designs; to stress the importance of remembering and honoring the sacrifices of our military.

It's just about dignity. You know?

Or how about a duck? A duck is totally patriotic:

Especially when you write "USA" on the flag so people know what country they're in.

Well, however you choose to celebrate it, may you have a wonderful Memorial Day. And remember: always show pride in your country by letting your freak flag fly.

Unless you'd rather eat it, of course.

Whichever you choose, just get rid of it. [shudder]

Thanks to wreckporters Chris W., Olivia I., Ashley P., Ashleigh G., Sarah B., Jessi J., & Heather M. for the grilling.

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Totally Awesome

Posted by Unknown Monday, May 2, 2011 0 comments

"Bakers, it has come to our attention that 'morale' is 'low.' Therefore, effective immediately, we will be instituting mandatory staff meetings every Friday at 3pm to get to the bottom of this problem.

During these meetings you will each be required to list at least one 'awesome' thing about working here. Susan, GO."

"Oh, come on, this is so STU...."

"Did I mention this will be on your monthly review?"

"...PENDOUS! Haha! Yeah! [grabbing manager by lapels] WORKING HERE IS AWESOME."

"Something more specific, please."

"Oh. Ok. Um...

"Oh, I know! Making the candy apples is awesome.

"It really gets my aggressive tendencies out."

"I...see. Bob?"

"I like misspelling things and then convincing the customer it's actually spelled that way."

"Cracks me up every time!"

"Bob, I'm not sure this is exactly..."

"Ooh, yeah! And scaring the kids! That is SO awesome, am I right?" [high-fiveing Bob]

"Alright, everyone, if you'll just wait your turn..."

"Oooh, crap!"

"What's wrong, Debra?"

"No, that's my awesome thing! Putting chocolate poo swirls on everything!"

"I call it my number two special. Haha!"

[sigh] "And Mary? What about you?"

"I like giving the customers exactly what they ask for."

"Ah, excellent! You see, everyone? Now this is...

"No, I mean EXACTLY what they ask for."

"It's totally awesome." [giggle]

"Well, I think that's enough for today. I hope this meeting has helped remind you all to cherish the little things, and to really enjoy your jobs here. Now, next week: Airbrushing! See you then."

Thanks to Denise G., Gema B., Amanda N., Meagan B., & Anne L. for being, um, awesome.

Oh, and hey, here's something that really IS awesome: my friend Neil of 1,000 Awesome Things has a free copy of his new book, The Book of Even More Awesome, for five of you lucky readers!

For a chance to win, just leave a comment telling me one of your favorite awesome things. It can be anything: getting extra icing on your slice of cake, picking the fastest line at the supermarket, snagging the last one of that sale item you wanted - you name it. We'll announce the five winners both here - on this post - and on the CW Facebook page at 12 midnight, EST, so be sure to check back!

**************************

GIVEAWAY UPDATE! After randomly selecting five comments, we have our winners! Congrats to the following readers who shared a few of their favorite awesome things.

Sunshine Dayz at 10:17am, who understands how awesome it is to find a few extra hours of sleep before the alarm goes off. (We share this joy with you.)

qurlyloks at 12:34pm, who REALLY appreciates awesome caffeinated coffee.

Elizabeth C., at 1:54pm, who thinks it's "inconceivable" (and awesome) that her kitties unleash cuddly kryptonite! You wanted Neil's book? As you wish.

TCC at 3:06pm, who loves awesome unexpected treats (and turns it up to 11).

soarin_ca4 at 8:37pm, who shares a birthday with David Beckham (which happens to be today). I bet winning Neil's book just made your birthday even more AWESOME.

Congrats again to our winners! Please email us your mailing addresses. Thanks to everyone for the great comments. So much awesomeness!

No Accounting For Taste

Posted by Unknown Friday, April 15, 2011 0 comments

Hey, did you know that the income tax deadline here in the U.S. has been pushed back 'til Monday?

(I'll pause here to allow those of you whooping for joy to catch your breath.)

Well, if you're like me, this means you might want to get started on your taxes sometime today, or this weekend, or maybe even Monday morning. After all, as a wise man once said, "[remember to insert procrastination quote before post goes up]!"

So, in our eternal quest to help you readers in the most sincere way possible using funny cakes, here is a complete, comprehensive guide for doing your taxes.

Step 1. Mix 2 ounces ea. of vodka, tequila, rum and gin - with a splash of Coke - and drink immediately.

Repeat until thoroughly snockered.
(Note: if a poo-shaped fountain explodes from drink, you're doing it right)

Step 2. Pull shoebox of receipts from laundry hamper and take wild guess as to how much you spent last year.

(Be sure to deduct the sale price of those "Guccis.")

Now add a zero.

This is your Adjusted Gross Expenditure Allowance Total Income Bracket, Article 1. Write this number down somewhere. Preferably on something that won't run off.

Step 3. Calculate the number of dependents in your household.

This can include children, imaginary friends, other people's children, other people's imaginary friends' children, pets, favorite CDs, and certain plants. Refer to Article J, Paragraph 42, Section 3.14159 on "Ficus Financials," for more information.

Step 4. Write down all information in a legible manner:

If you're not sure about one of your figures, just put it in quotes:

This shows the IRS you're just "guess-timating." They're totally cool with that.

Step 5. Go to the nearest ATM and empty your checking account, savings account, and pockets. This is what you owe.

It's always a good idea to send your payment in cash, and stuck to a cupcake. The IRS enjoys playful pranks like this, and will doubtless credit your account several hundred dollars in exchange for the laugh.

Well, we hope you've enjoyed our comprehensive tax guide. Now, if you need us, we'll just be vacationing somewhere you've never heard of outside U.S. jurisdiction.

A big thanks to Jacob L., Kelli, Anne B., Heather, Emily and Becky L., for their taxing treats.

Coming Up Roses

Posted by Unknown Friday, March 11, 2011 0 comments

Like love and marriage - or a horse and carriage - icing roses and cakes just go together.

Perhaps I should rephrase that.

What I mean is the two are a really natural combination.

Am I having a seizure? I feel like I'm having a seizure.

A combination of grace, beauty...

...and, of course, cat poop:

And, since roses are one of the first things a baker learns to make - not to mention what they make the most often - you can always trust an icing rose to be the finest example of what a baker can do.

We're doomed.

No, no, I'm sorry; that came out wrong. What I mean is: uh, let's see how they do on rosebuds!

Ok. Yeah. Doomed.

Thanks to Angela G., Elizabeth W., Freidel I., Tiffanie, Christina C., & Ali S., who were hoping to see some icing sleds on that last cake, because they're intellectual like that.

Let's Hear It For The Bird

Posted by Unknown Thursday, November 25, 2010 0 comments

Woohoo! It's Thanksgiving! And in honor of the occasion, our trusty turkey cakes have prepared a little message for us:

Well. That's...depressing.

(Oh, and btw, parents, making little screaming sounds when you cut the head off may seem hilarious now, but those therapy bills later are a total buzzkill.)

Let's see if we can't find some more chipper birds, shall we?

....

Let's see if we can't find some more chipper birds, shall we?

The sign says, "Eat beef."

Beyond that, I have no answers.

Take away the giant piece of plastic, and this next one is just a big hand...

...giving us the bird.

[Ba-dum bump!]

But seriously, are there no cheerful turkey cakes in here?

"I am far too consternated by my Groucho eyebrows and gaping body cavern to be cheerful."

"Yeah, I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps, too."

"I am terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought."

"And I have no head."

[sing-song] "But I do-ooo!"

You doo-doo indeed, mon.

Thanks to Lacee H., Vicky J., Mike T., Julie M., Jimmy, Aaron, Cristina, & Kelli E., who think those dread logs are Rastafar-Out!

Wrecks of Plenty

Posted by Unknown Wednesday, November 24, 2010 0 comments

According to Wikipedia, the cornucopia - or "horn of plenty" - is typically a hollow, horn-shaped wicker basket filled with various kinds of festive fruit and vegetables.

According to Wreckerators, this is a cornucopia:

Where "festive fruit and vegetables" = "neon holographic plastic flotsam bits."

And this:

"Is that a vomiting tornado in your cart, or are you just sorry to see me?"

I refuse to believe this next one is anything other than a pile of tiny Wizard hats:

How many tiny Gandalfs had to die for this cookie cornucopia cake, huh? HOW MANY??

Fortunately, some of you knew better than to order a cornucopia cake. You ordered one of these lovely turkey ice cream cakes, instead:

So at least you have that to look forward to.

Heh. Aheh.

[keep scrolling]

Heh.

Oh, I'm sorry, do you still have an appetite? Here, let me help you with that:

Just think, "Charred and slimey." Thaaat oughta do it.

So in conclusion, tomorrow, remember to:

"Goble Goble,"

and:

But only one. Times are tough these days.

A very special "thank" to Diana T., Pam M., Sarah H., Tracy B., Sarah B., Linda S., & Emily G. (You guys will have to share.)