professional cakes - cakes wrecks

Like all of you, I am simply in a TIZZY waiting to see the royal wedding tomorrow. Or, more accurately, the royal wedding cake.

I mean, think about it: this is the cake that must end all cakes. It has to outshine, outdo, and outhouse every dream of every girl who has ever dreamed of being a princess! [sigh]

Plus, just imagine the unbelievable stress the poor bakers must be under at this very moment. The agony! The suspense! The weighty sense of impending doom, should their one shot at world-wide glory, fame, and adoration fail! BWAHAHAHAAAA!

Er...I mean...

Wishing you the best of luck, guys!













Many thanks to wreckporters Christin S., Gary & Brittany J., Melissa B., Kelli B., Amy E., Anna K., and Lou for today's joint efforts.


*Yes, I know all British people do not sound like this. But the really cool ones do.


Note from john: For some reason, the comment section is acting all wonky today so if you don't have a Google account, you can't leave a comment. With any luck, the Google Overlords will fix the problem soon. Wreck On!

"Hello and welcome to Ghost Investigator Dudes. I'm Brad Johnson, a frat boy jock who isn't afraid of ANYTHING and enjoys taunting the afterlife by yelling challenges into empty cellars.

"With me are Joey..."

"Yo!"

"...and Mike."

"Yo!"

"Today we're here at the old Chattanooga asylum, where, like, a bunch of people died 'n stuff and we're totally gonna lock ourselves in all night and see what happens and film everything with shaky pocket infrared cameras and bad sound equipment.

"Awright, let's get started! So we're going down to the dungeons to...



"Righteous. So, like, now we're going down into the kitchens where they kille..."



"Shyah. That was, like, almost totally spiritual. So, check it! The caretaker here says there's this dog? That's like a ghost? That haunts the library and kills people? So we should totally go there."







Thanks to Emily L., Jessica L., Leslie H., Urvashi, & Tama, but we still don't know what happened to André.

But he still somehow managed to release a new album this month called "Michael." Great. I'm a fully functioning human being that can't even remember to take out the trash, and this guy put out an album after being dead for a year and a half. (Does that make him a "working stiff"? Rim shot.) Anywhoozle, no better time than now to take a look back at some MJ classics.



Remember the time...

...that Michael dressed up as Uncle Sam for the Thriller album cover? Neither do I. In fact I think the album originally looked something like this:


And this black and white cookie looks more like an ad for Soul Glo.



Becca973, Mischa P., Jennifer D., Kimberly, Lila S., Felicity P., Shannon B., if you want to scream about all the MJ songs, you are not alone. But, I won't stop till I get enough. After all, it's human nature to like the man in the mirror... cause it's thriller... I like the Jackson 5. I'm out.

Tonight I'm going to be doing a live author chat over on Twilight Moms, a website devoted to moms who enjoy astronomical chitchat.

Or maybe they have something to do with vampires. Hm. Come to think of it, that might explain a few things, actually...

Well, if I've learned anything from being a fangirl myself (though admittedly more of the sci-fi genre) it's that you always look for common ground when dealing with bloodthirsty devotees. That, and no sudden movements. So, Twi-hards, sink your teeth into THIS (while the rest of us casually stroll off in this direction):


As you can see, there are two crucial elements to most Twilight cakes:
1) edible photo paper, and
2) lots of black icing.

Unfortunately, black icing does tend to show how green the "black" ink in edible photos can be. But what can you do? Draw something?

Say, this is actually pretty good! And way to represent the big girls, baker; I'm tired of the skinny chick always getting the sparkly immortal. Even if she is impaling his arm with her big ol' man-hand.

Well, better get back to the formula, I suppose. Only, what's that you say? You want MORE black icing? Nooo problem:

Well that's gonna leave a mark stain. No, I don't know what the white swirly bits are supposed to be. And yes, it does look like a postage stamp. But let's not give anyone ideas, mmkay?

You know, for vampire-themed cakes these things have been awfully blood-free.

Ah, that's better. The oozing bell peppers really add something, too. Specifically, something that makes even less sense than writing "Forks Twilight" on a cake.

(Yes, I know that Forks is the name of the town in the story. That's hardly an explanation, though.)

As with all cakes, the most important thing to remember when ordering a Twilight design is that nothing beats a little forethought, balance, and beautifully scripted text:


[Pro tip: if you're going to scratch guide lines into the icing, keep in mind that airbrushed icing is white underneath.]

And lastly, choosing the right text for your tribute cake is also key:


Er.

Yeeeahh...so...

Happy Birthday!

Or would it make more sense as an anniversary cake? [evil grin]

I hate to admit it, Giselle P., Katelynn B., Emily S., Jennifer T., & Itzkeleen, but I think the first Twilight Wreck I posted still takes the cake. (Keeping in mind that only the professional cakes count, of course; there are tons of hilarious amateur jobs out there.)

- Related Wreckage: The Twilight of our Discontent

Are you still preoccupied with 1985? (With Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, way before Nirvana...)

If so, then I'm sure you understand wanting an 80s pop star on your cake. Uh. Right?

For instance, how about the artist formerly - and now back to currently - known as Prince?

Yeah, he'd totally rock on a cake. Maybe for a birthday, bridal shower, or any nondescript "sexy" occasion, really.




Oh, sorry, Demi; that's Boy George. Well, I'm sure he'd be great on a cake, too.





How about a photo cake? Do you have "Faith" that would look better?


Wham I'm not sure that "wham" is appropriate in front of every wham sentence. Wham what do you think? Wham am I right?

And finally, I have to end with what is most certainly NOT a Wreck, so don't even bother trying to find fault with it:

Yep, THAT, my friends, is a David-Bowie-from-Labyrinth cake, aka quite possibly the Coolest Birthday Cake Ever. This thing is up there with the Darth Vader Baby Shower cake in my book. (Well, not the actual book. The figurative one.) Not only does it feature the Goblin King himself, it ALSO says - and with correct quotation marks, even - "You Remind Me of the Babe."

What babe, you ask? Why, the babe with the power.

This cake has renewed my faith in both the airbrush and future generations, so kudos to Maddy's parents for giving her a proper education in all things awesome.

Jenny M., Brian K., Anony M., & Lonny S, you have no power over me.


Related Wreckage: Guess Who!

UPDATE: So apparently, every one of you has seen Purple Rain and can tell that the first cake is actually supposed to be Epco...urm, Morris Day. And it turns out you are correct. Go figure. I'll leave it to Jen to decide how to adjust the post but in the meantime Sexy Morris up there is still giving me the stink eye so I'm still calling wreck. And yes, *sigh* we know George Michael was part of Wham! -john

Michael Jackson died Thursday afternoon. Barely 24 hours later, Laura H. found these in her local bakery:


Yeesh. Ok, so it's America, and I get that we tend to capitalize on tragedy - I mean, have you seen "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here"? - but this seems to be pushing the bounds of good taste, don't you think?

And on top of the whole "let's eat the face of the deceased" thing, they went and made it worse by making them CCCs. [ptoooiee!]

I can remember sitting at a friend's kitchen table and hearing "Thriller" for the first time. The synthesizers, the beat, that creepy voice telling a tale of ghouls "getting down" - I was mesmerized. And even though I was pretty young at the time, that memory has stayed with me for over twenty years.

I bet you have a similar story to tell, and fond memories of the childhood icon who had us wearing silver gloves and practicing our moon walk. So in the spirit of the widespread MJ tributes out there today (and because so many of you asked) here are a few Michael Jackson cakes:

So I had an "industry insider*" send me a bunch of photos a while ago from various TV shows celebrating their 100th episode or whatnot. Sadly, there's not much Wreckage here to report (although the Charmed & Boston Legal ones are a little rough), but I thought you might find them interesting anyway. Of course, I have been known to be wrong before...







I like all the medical implements placed around the cake - particularly the little metal tray thingie. I remember throwing up into a larger version of one of those after getting my tonsils removed as a child. [gazing off wistfully] Ah, memories. 'Course, I never thought I'd associate that particular memory with cake, though.


Many thanks to my anonymous industry insider!


*And let me tell ya: I've always wanted one of those.