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Cake Wrecks: The People's Court Edition

Posted by Unknown Wednesday, July 27, 2011 0 comments

Guys, I get a lot of wreck reactions via e-mail. I've seen multi-page rants IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS from bridezillas, blistering sarcasm from disappointed parents, and more "LOL"s than I can count. I've even known one or two brides who had to take their bakers to court to get a refund.

However.

I've never - ever - seen someone sue a baker for over $4,300 over a misspelled name on a $55 cake.

UNTIL NOW.

If you can't see the video because you're at work, count yourself lucky. Frankly, I was ready to bash my own head in after the first three minutes. That lady gives crazy a bad name.

Oh, and here's the wreck in question - or at least part of it:

The judge reads the baker the riot act over the cracks in the icing, but also points out to the mom that if you saddle your child with a ridiculously spelled name (it's pronounced "Kiesha" but spelled "Keshia") then you pretty much have to expect people to screw it up for her entire lifetime. And so stop sweating the small stuff already.

Good advice all 'round, wouldn't you say?

Oh, and if *I* were that baker, I think I'd have replaced the cake with something a little more appropriate:

:D

(Then I'd direct Ms. Crazy Pants to this blog for an eye-opening dose of perspective.)

Thanks to Kathy D. and David S., who are consulting their lawyers. So watch out, moms.

Homophoned In

Posted by Unknown Tuesday, July 26, 2011 0 comments

Here's one way to tell if a cake order was made over the phone:

Followed by a three hour tour?

[For the record, that joke makes me feel reeeeally old.]

John and I just sat here saying the words "our" and "are" ad nauseam. We sounded a lot like the seagulls in Finding Nemo: "Our? Are? Hour? R? Arr?"

Still, I take comfort in knowing you're all doing the exact same thing.

Now this one made us sound like the Count from Sesame Street. Which is to say, AWESOME.
In fact, from now on, I'm always pronouncing "welcome" like "wheeel come."

Sometimes a cake makes you wonder about its back story...

...but the good news is Sam actually didn't give a flying crap.

And finally, here's a girl with a need for speed:

Yep. Rose really likes to put the petal to the medal.

Thanks to Rachel N., Sarah D., Scot N., Kelly R., F.F., & Jon A., who only caught that last line because they've had their coffee. Good work, guys.

They're Gonna Need 'Em

Posted by Unknown Wednesday, July 20, 2011 0 comments

Ask where the second "e" went all you want; *I* want to know what's in that icing. [shudder]

Sorry, Ash, you only get one.

Aw, this is my fav "favewell" cake ever. It's the bes!

I'm a little unclear on the message here. Is it:

"Best wishes! Here's a pile of crap! With plastic! And curly ribbon!"

Yes? No? Am I close?

Ok, so in the Ghostbusters video game (oh, c'mon, you knew I was a nerd) there's this cursed clock that claims to show the exact time of death for anyone who looks at it. Creepy, right?

Well, guess what came to mind when I saw this cake?

You think this Wreckerator knows something about Beck Y's future - say, around 10 PM - that we don't? I mean, she filled in everything else from "play with gran kids" to "gardaning," so that lone blank spot is looking pretty dang ominous, if you ask me.

In fact, maybe the baker should just get right to the point:

Or:

Buuuuuh...

Buhbye.

Thanks to W.C., Ashley B., April C., Ginny B., Heather J., Betsy U., & Jennifer H. for all the fell wishes.

Go Fourth and Celebrate!

Posted by Unknown Monday, July 4, 2011 0 comments

Though we usually just refer to today as the 4th of July, we here in the U.S. are celebrating something far greater than just a date on the calendar:

Our "Indenpdants."

Hm. I guess that's why most bakers stick to "Happy Fourth," huh? Less to mess up that way.

*headdesk*

You know, the fact that someone had to print that flag out, notice the red ink was gone, and yet choose to use it anyway is why I love this country. It just goes to show that through guts, ingenuity, and perseverance of spirit... I will never be out of a job.

Here's one that serves as a reminder of the date, minus any emotional bossing around:

Happy or not, here it comes!!

(And who wants to bet the other side just says, "July"?)

Same idea, even poorer execution:

Well, that's a first.

And when they're not wrecking cakes, some bakers take turns making other "collssal" mistakes:

Given the context, I have to assume that "collssal" = "patriotic skid marks."

And finally, while I'm not sure this Marines cake was made specifically for today, I think it serves as an excellent reminder of what we in this country value above all else:

Sneaking the first piece before the rest of the family comes in.

Thanks to Lauren O., Laura S., Elizabeth K., Michele G., Susan C., & Amy H., who know that sometimes you just have to even out that side a few more bites.

The Future's So Brite...

Posted by Unknown Tuesday, June 28, 2011 0 comments

With graduation season over, you might be tempted to revel in the heady hopes of a brighter tomorrow, what with all these freshly educated, newly degreed youngins descending upon our workforce and all.

I'm here to fix all that.

This cake was supposed to say - I kid you not - "It's a girl."

That apostrophe placement will be haunting my dreams tonight.

Of course, it's also possible to get the spelling and punctuation perfect, while still completely missing the point:

Granted, this could be a "he said, she said" issue.

Hey, remember when preschoolers were taught to put the square blocks in the square holes, and the round blocks in the round holes?

Do they not do that anymore?

For some reason I'm getting the feeling this is supposed to be a base"ball." Odd.

And remember that toy with the pull string that told you what the dog says?

Do they not have those anymore, either?

Wait. Is that a cat?

Ok, now I'm really confused.

Still, I guess we can take comfort in knowing that these wreckerators won't always be wreckerators:

Eventually they'll get promoted to management.

Thanks to Becky A., Jane R., Stacey S., Jennifer V., & Alissa P., who want to ask that employee in the background, "Hey, why the long face?"

When "Falker Satherhood" Is Just Too Wordy

Posted by Unknown Friday, June 17, 2011 0 comments

So, how do you tell your dad how much you appreciate him this Sunday?

Well, hopefully not like this:

"Fatters Day is kind of like Father's Day, only for fatties. So - and think carefully before you answer this - would you like a slice of cake, Dad?"

The moral here is if you add enough shredded coconut, no one will notice you wrote "Happy Fathday's Day."

Of course, if you do write it wrong, the good news is you can always fix it:

*sigh*

Oh, hey! If your father's dad is named George, then this next one almost makes sense!

What? I said "almost."

Now, brace yourself for my famous Goldmember impression in 3..2..

"My farza is toit loyk uh toyger! Schmoke and a pancake?"

[bowing] Thank you. Thank you very much.

Or, if you want to take it one step "ferther":

Ah, how I yearn for the day when I'll have a title* worthy of all-cap block letters.

"How are you, HER SUPREME CAKEY SNARK PERSON?"

"Fine, thanks."

"Gerald, have you met HER SUPREME CAKEY SNARK PERSON? She's quite snarky, you know."

"Yes, yes, I've known HER SUPREME CAKEY SNARK PERSON for years!"

Ok, so the actual title needs work, but I rather like it. Especially since it would give the impression that everyone talking about me has Tourette's.

Thanks to Anony M., Brenda Jo, Jessica I., Kristen R., Kristina, & Toni S. who ARE ALL AWESOME PEOPLE.

*Update from john: As far as we can tell, this cake was not made for a Haitian dictator.

Wreck-A-Bye Baby

Posted by Unknown Monday, June 13, 2011 0 comments

Sometimes I like to think this blog might have a positive influence on current baking trends. (Oh, stop laughing. A girl can dream.) So, what do you say we mosey on over to a few of our nation's baby showers and see how things are going?

Wonderful!

I mean, sure, "beby" is misspelled, and there's a giant funky headboard thing happening, and the doll is staring at me all creepy-like, but the baby itself is not edible. That's progress, people!

Hey, a lot of those letters are right.

In fact - and feel free to correct me here if I'm wrong - I think "cohgrautions" may be the Canadian spelling.

You might be wondering how many tracts of land they had to search to find these two peas in a pod, or why the baker didn't make the "peas" green. That said, it's not a pregnant torso cake.

Plus it makes me want to start singing "Keep Walking" by the French Peas, so that's a "win" all 'round.

This next one may cause a bit of a flap, but I'll have no truck with such negativity:

After all, nothing drives home the beauty of motherhood quite like a pregnant mudflap girl. Eh? Eh? Am I right?

Well, my friends, I think I've made my point: baby shower cakes are getting better! And all because of me! ME, I SAY!! BWAHAHAHAAA!!

AHAHAHAAAHAA!!

BAHAHAHAA...

...huh?

AAAAAUUUGGHH!!

[blink blink]

Well.

Back to business as usual, then?

Thanks to Sose K., Krista M., Susan M., Bob S., & Carly A. for dashing my dreams. You cruel, cruel wreckporters, you.

Wrecky Conga Lines

Posted by Unknown Friday, June 10, 2011 0 comments

My dear bakers, I'm going to teach you how to spell "Congratulations" if it's the last thing I do. I mean it. We're going to sit down RIGHT NOW and hash this thing out, and I'm not giving up until each and every one of you can spell this word backwards, forwards, and without using a single letter "d." You hear me? I am NOT GIVING UP.

I give up.

Ok, look. How about you just abbreviate it?

Not that much.

No...

[head on desk] No...

[in fetal position under desk] Losing...faith...in humanity...

Does...does that really say "Congris"?

Does it?!

Ok, I have an idea.

[whispering in ear]

I'll take it.

Hey, Aimee T., David G., Colleen G., Lianne I., Super Happy Girl, Julie M., & Nicole V., you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand, do you? My cookie cake was slaughtered by a six-fingered hand.

I'm Grad, I'm Grad, You Know It, HEEE hee!

Posted by Unknown Tuesday, June 7, 2011 0 comments

Graduation season is upon us, which means you're going to be seeing a lot of stuff like this:

But then, I guess you see guys in sunglasses driving trucks pretty often anyway.

Still, when it comes to celebrating your graduation, not just any cake will do. We're talking years and years of educational accomplishment here! You need something special. Something momentous. Something, dare I say...groundbreaking?

Booyah.

(I dubbeth thee "earthcake.")

Or, for those who like things a little twisted:

The Grad Tornado.

(Get off my lawn!)

You could also go the "Wait...what?" route:

Are You Grad! Are You Grad!

Wait.

What?

Well, if all else fails, there's always the simple, heart-felt, "Congratulations":

Or, sure, something like that.

Thanks to wreckporters Tracie K., Jessica S., Shelley G., John I., & Heather W. for the education.

------------------------------------------------

Aaaand...HEADDESK!

Posted by Unknown Monday, June 6, 2011 0 comments

To learn the definition of the term "headdesk" you could look it up in the urban dictionary.

Or you could just look at these cakes.

Your spelling's not! Thanks!

(Bonus: Read that line out loud, and every preschooler within earshot will love you.)

STOP.
It's time to get the hammer.

Roo Hoo? Dangit, now I want a Yoo Hoo.
Do they even still make those?

Basketball fans, the ball's in your court.

So remember: it's "i" before "e" except when you're trying to draw a friggin' peace sign.

Which, incidentally, is supposed to look like this:

[repeated thudding sound]

[rubbing forehead] Thanks to Shawna K., Mary D., Caitlin I., Stacey S., & Angi A. for this awful headache.