professional cakes - cakes wrecks

Well, ladies, you did it: You've said your vows, the birdseed has been thrown, and now you're ready to hit the reception, do a little Mambo #5 (sure that fad is over, but you like it, dang it), and celebrate with your very own Prince Charming.

[music swelling] I'm talking about the guy of your dreams, the man who swept you off your feet with his suave good looks, his impeccable taste, and his...ah...




And of course every bride finds this kind of humor absolutely hysterical on her wedding day:

Serena M., Amanda, Christel P., & Morgan G., that grave cake could really make a person blue. At least his/her tongue, anyway.


- Related Wreckage: When Men Design Their Own Cakes

You've gotta admit: outside of baby shower cakes, grooms' cakes are some of the most "unique" ones out there. This is the cake that puts the guy's favorite recreational activities on display, whether those are sports...

Hobbies...


Mouth cancer...


Or just melting over an inner tube while covered with a gigantic straw hat.


[crickets chirping]


Well, he does look relaxed.

[staring some more] Ok, I give up. What is that red square supposed to be? Anyone? Anyone?

Thanks to Alan R., the only Wreckporter brave enough to attach his name to any of these submissions, and all you other Anony Mice.

It's becoming as "classic" (ie cliche) as the red-velvet armadillo cake, and yet guys still want dead Bambi for their groom's cake. Go fig.

Yeah, yeah, guys, I get it: you want your cake to show some personality, reflect your interests, and ideally gross-out the in-laws. But really, a giant dead animal on your wedding day? Really? This must be another time when my plumbing prevents me from grasping the intricacies of the male mind.

At least this one's still showing some signs of life:

Well, as much as the baker, anyway. (Ah, candid photos, how we loathe thee.)

Oh no, but look! He's sinking into the Swamps of Sadness! Fight against the sadness, Artax! Don't let it get to you! Just because you're about to be carved up and served on camouflage-print paper plates is no reason to get all down in the dumps! Artaaaaax!!

[sniffle] Sorry. I hate that part of the movie.


Ok, where were we? Oh, right, at the economy section:

Sure, it doesn't feed many people, but then no one will want to eat it anyway. See? A win-win. Plus, mad props to the garnisher; those green spriggy bits are really classing the joint up.

Of course if we've learned anything here on CW, it's that a green & purple party hat can make everything allll better:

Like so.

I know we shouldn't look a gift deer in the mouth, but those buck teeth* are cracking me up. I can almost hear him saying, "Gawrsh! Why don't you carve yourself a slice? Ahuck!"

Still, I'll take goofy over spooky any day. And I'm not sure there's a chipper enough party hat in all the world to uncreepify this guy:

Sure, he's smiling, but that smile never quite reaches his eyes, you know? And he won't stop staring, like he knows something I don't.

Hey, you lookin' at me, punk? Yeah? Well quit your smirking, or I'll break your antlers off!

Oh, I'm sorry; I see someone already did. Huh. That had to hurt. Well, never mind.


Lauren S., Laura M., Erin C., Kaylee K., & Anony M. you sure know how to rack 'em.


*Get it? "Buck" teeth? Hah, that was the crowning touch, wasn't it?


Related Wreckage: You Say 'Redneck' Like it's a Bad Thing

Prepare yourself for the yummiest-looking cliche EVER:


Aaaaand now I'm craving donuts. Thanks a LOT, Anony M.

It's nice to see a member of law enforcement with such a good sense of humor, though. At least, I hope this was his idea: it would have been a tad awkward if the bride's father ordered it. No one wants a parking ticket at their own daughter's wedding, right?

We've all been there: six weeks of rigorous dieting, all ruined by the sugar-paste encrusted morsels at cousin Jill's wedding. But what is today's bride to do? Is it possible to have the wedding cake of your dreams while still showing consideration to your dieting guests?

Yes, it is!

Introducing the Cake Head Diet Aid!



That's right, folks, just place the professionally decorated Cake Head Diet Aid alongside your wedding cake. It's that easy! In addition to being a delicious red velvet groom's cake, the Cake Head Diet Aid will effectively dissuade all but your most ravenous and/or non-squeamish of guests from indulging in the gut-busting baked goods. Guaranteed!

Here's what our happy customers are saying about the Cake Head Diet Aid:

"The children ran screaming - no sugar buzzed hellions at the reception! Thank you, Cake Head Diet Aid!"

"Never have I wanted to eat cake less. Just the thought of your product has kept me up nights, and I've lost over 15 pounds!"

"When my husband said the wrong name at the altar, I was ready to kill him. Slicing into the Cake Head Diet Aid, however, helped me vent enough of that murderous rage to make it to the annulment. And the jam filling - oh, that was the best part!"

As a bonus, your Cake Head Diet Aid is completely customizable! From football helmets to sunglasses, iPod earbuds to nose rings, you can make your Cake Head Diet Aid the spitting image of your husband-to-be while incorporating his favorite hobbies!

So girls, be kind to your guests waistlines while giving your guy his just desserts: order the Cake Head Diet Aid today!


Michelle D., I bet these work great at birthdays, too.


UPDATE: Alright, all you PhotoShop nay-sayers: there IS such a thing as edible image printing, mkay? I also verified that this came off a professional bakery's portfolio site, so chill wit' da hatin' , yo.

A groom's cake is the curious wedding tradition by which the husband-to-be celebrates his inner geek/jock/die-hard fill-in-the-blank fanatic in cake and icing form. This often involves sports logos, hunting paraphernalia, x-box consoles, or my personal favorite: the giant snickers bar.

This groom's cake, however, has taken a cake genre already known for its ridiculousness and lowered the bar even further. Here we have what appears to be a cut raw mid-section of rainbow trout - which, while disgusting, I guess makes sense if the guy is a fisherman, grocery clerk in the seafood section, or sushi enthusiast. What defies the imagination, however, are the daisies scattered across the trout slab. I mean, daisies? Really? Like, I dunno, the raw trout torso just needed that extra feminine touch? Why not slap the whole thing on a doily and be done with it?

The bakery responsible lays the blame squarely on the groom, explaining that the guy had a dog named Daisy and so wanted daisies on the cake. Yeeeeah. Fellas, stick with cool Star Wars grooms' cakes, will you?