professional cakes - cakes wrecks

So my question is this: how heavy does your southern accent have to be that you not only pronounce it "Hailoween", but you also think it's spelled that way?

Hah! See? Told you it was fun.

And speaking of Wrecked inscriptions...


And speaking of things that are mixed up...


And speaking of anatomy:


Unless you think they're simply flesh-colored versions of a "pumpkin" and a "haystack," that is. Then they are what you think they are. Allegedly.

Kind of like how this is allegedly a pumpkin:



Chickpea, Katie H., Sarah C., Bill P., & Rebekah F., that stem really wipes out the competition, doesn't it?

- Related Wreckage: Why You Don't Raid Other People's Refrigerators

I can't think of a more Wrecktastic harbinger of Halloween happiness than this guy:


Yep, Mr. Bonehead here suuure is happy. How happy, you ask? Happy enough to say, "Look, ma! No hands!"


Dorei, just tell the kids it's a levitation trick. Which really startles the pumpkin.

- Related Wreckage: Drew's Birthday Wish

Tonight I'm going to be doing a live author chat over on Twilight Moms, a website devoted to moms who enjoy astronomical chitchat.

Or maybe they have something to do with vampires. Hm. Come to think of it, that might explain a few things, actually...

Well, if I've learned anything from being a fangirl myself (though admittedly more of the sci-fi genre) it's that you always look for common ground when dealing with bloodthirsty devotees. That, and no sudden movements. So, Twi-hards, sink your teeth into THIS (while the rest of us casually stroll off in this direction):


As you can see, there are two crucial elements to most Twilight cakes:
1) edible photo paper, and
2) lots of black icing.

Unfortunately, black icing does tend to show how green the "black" ink in edible photos can be. But what can you do? Draw something?

Say, this is actually pretty good! And way to represent the big girls, baker; I'm tired of the skinny chick always getting the sparkly immortal. Even if she is impaling his arm with her big ol' man-hand.

Well, better get back to the formula, I suppose. Only, what's that you say? You want MORE black icing? Nooo problem:

Well that's gonna leave a mark stain. No, I don't know what the white swirly bits are supposed to be. And yes, it does look like a postage stamp. But let's not give anyone ideas, mmkay?

You know, for vampire-themed cakes these things have been awfully blood-free.

Ah, that's better. The oozing bell peppers really add something, too. Specifically, something that makes even less sense than writing "Forks Twilight" on a cake.

(Yes, I know that Forks is the name of the town in the story. That's hardly an explanation, though.)

As with all cakes, the most important thing to remember when ordering a Twilight design is that nothing beats a little forethought, balance, and beautifully scripted text:


[Pro tip: if you're going to scratch guide lines into the icing, keep in mind that airbrushed icing is white underneath.]

And lastly, choosing the right text for your tribute cake is also key:


Er.

Yeeeahh...so...

Happy Birthday!

Or would it make more sense as an anniversary cake? [evil grin]

I hate to admit it, Giselle P., Katelynn B., Emily S., Jennifer T., & Itzkeleen, but I think the first Twilight Wreck I posted still takes the cake. (Keeping in mind that only the professional cakes count, of course; there are tons of hilarious amateur jobs out there.)

- Related Wreckage: The Twilight of our Discontent

This Halloween, why not add a little personality to your pumpkin?



And Lauren was inspired by both the famous belly cakes and Suzy's Wreck to create her own CW tribute costume:

For today's cakes I have no answers. Only questions.

This season is almost too easy for snarks like me. C'mon, right now this is what passes for cake decorating:


Bakeries, of course, love it. Every conceivable mistake, no matter HOW bad, can now be made into a Halloween design.

Have a Barbie bride cake that's gone horribly wrong? Noo problem:

Did your icing bag explode in big globby piles on a cake board? We can work with that.

Just be sure to label it, so folks know what it is. See, now that it SAYS "Evil Witch Hat" you can totally see it, right? Er. Right?

What's that? Your bats don't look like bats? S'ok. We have a giant piece of plastic for that:



And hey, do you have any leftover stock we can make into Halloween designs? You know, like maybe some smiley faces? Oh, good! See, just add some fangs...a little broken English...and...



I know it's a stretch, Darshani, Bettina G., Shayne H., Kylie K., Lauren, & Rachel J., but don't worry; it's Halloween. People will totally buy it.

- Related Wreckage: E.T. is Back...

When you see your typical bakery display filling up with disembodied plastic fingers and red corn syrup drenched eyeballs you know Halloween is nearly upon us. Of course, those cakes are trying to be gross, gory, and/or creepy.

[sing-song voice] Bo-ring!

Personally, I prefer the cakes that were going for cutesy, but didn't quite make it. You know, like this:



I don't think this next one was going for cute, exactly, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't going for this level of creepy, either:


So anyway, you can keep your rat-gnawed arms and zombie brain cakes; to me, no baked good will ever be as terrifying as this thing:



Denise, Surlana, Matt L., & Kourtny, I will never look at fried eggs the same way again. Thanks.

- Related Wreckage: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

I'm not a fan of gory Halloween cakes, so instead here are some truly Sweet designs to get you in a spooktacular mood for Saturday.

First, a fun topsy-turvy style:


Speaking of adorable, this little ghost with pigtails also fits the bill:

Although she'll have to watch where she steps; it looks like Slimer paid a visit. ;)

This wedding cake has a real Burton-esque feel to it (which is a good thing, of course):

And this one has fantastic details:

I love the tree and the way the moon is suspended from the roof. Plus, check out the little cobblestones and gate; the composition is as pretty as a painting!

And finally, I never imagined a skull cake would be my favorite, but then I never imagined a skull cake could be this gorgeous, either:


I hope you enjoyed today's Sweet Treats! Now brace yourselves, 'cuz this week you're going to see a whole lotta Halloween Wreckage. [rubbing hands together gleefully] Oh yeah, this is going to be good.

- Similar Sweets: Spooktacular Wedding Cakes

So I'm browsing around the internets the other day looking for bug cakes (don't ask) and I come across the Flickr page of Second City Warehouse. What I saw there made my trackball come to a screeching halt. It seems that Steph's boss, Carl, was leaving for a new and better job and it was Steph's job to pick up the booze and the cake. But I'll let her tell you the rest of the story:

"Of course, I wanted the cake to be very special and couldn't think of anything else to put on it aside from a bat fly." [I feel like we're missing something here.]

"So, I picked out Carl's very favorite microptics print [Who doesn't have a favorite microptics print?] and took it to the bakery to see if they could replicate the image on a cake in frosting. "At the bakery, I decided to cut to the chase, so I pulled the picture out first thing in order to make sure they could transfer it. The bakers were stunned into a profound silence as they stared at the photo. I opened my mouth to explain, but a little voice in my head said, 'No no, don't. It's funnier this way.' "When they finally tore their eyes away to look up at me, I smiled and said, 'So. You guys are the experts, let me know what you think. I was thinking of a blue border, but I'm not sure about the decorations. Balloons, do you you think, or flowers?' "The manager of the bakery didn't really answer my question, just silently filled out the order form and wrote 'balloons.'"
Y'all ready to see this thing now? Here 'tis:


"When I got the cake, I was tickled to see that they had attached frosting balloon strings to the hind leg, the wing and somewhere near the head. I suppose they weren't sure how a microscopic insect might choose to hold a balloon." [Well, that makes about 75,000 of us.]

Let me just say that this cake has given me a whole new appreciation for grocery store bakers. Thanks for letting me borrow your story, Steph!

Note from john (the hubby of Jen): Several of you have noted that this isn't a "wreck" in the strictest sense of the word, to which I say, true that. It is, however, a fun cake story. And it's Saturday. Go with it. Peace out, yo.

I may be sitting here with the A/C cranked in the southern swamp affectionately known as "Florida", but I have a feeling that Fall will be here soon. And lest we have any doubts, some bakeries have taken to posting helpful weather updates on their cakes:


Ah, you don't often see this level of technique used! You see, dragging a knife through icing takes confidence, a steady hand, and the kind of technical know-how that knows exactly which end is the pointy one. [nodding seriously]

Still, no matter how you slice it, those skills pale in comparison to this...

...feather? Spear?Long-necked snail? Worm in a hat? Worm in a skirt? Garden trowel? Underside of a snorkeler's leg?

Hey, I could go on all day. I suspect, however, that Zoey K., Hap C., & Brady want me to make like a tree, and get out of here.


- Related Wreckage: Fall Fumbles

(Note: If you now have Biff on the brain, congratulations! You're a geek! Now go watch this funny song he sings as a reward.)

You know you're asking for a Wreck when...


...your college has the initials "CNU" and the family member who orders has a strong southern accent:



...you use any kind of shorthand on the order form:



...the color of icing you ask for could also be a proper name:

Many thanks to today's dedicated Wreckporters: Allie, Colin M., Ryan B., & Barb B.!

- Related Wreckage: Undeserving of Congrats

Time to clear your schedule and start planning out those cupcake Wreckplicas, faithful henchpersons; I have tour dates to announce!!


The events will be set up the same as before, meaning there will be free cake provided by local bakeries, a fun slide show hosted by yours truly and John, a Q&A time, and of course the Wreckplica contest, complete with fabulous prizes.

To help us know how much cake and space we'll need, please RSVP if you think you'll be able to attend by clicking on the appropriate city name below.

Thanks, and see some of you soon!

Kansas City
(technically Overland Park, KS)
Barnes & Noble
Monday, Nov 2nd, 6PM

New York
(Greenwich Village)
Barnes & Noble
Tuesday, Nov 3rd, 7:30PM

Bethesda, MD
Barnes & Noble
Thursday, Nov 5th, 7PM

Boston, MA
(Framingham)
Barnes & Noble
Sunday, Nov 8th, 2PM

Atlanta, GA
(Buckhead)
Barnes & Noble
Monday, Nov 9th, 7PM

Most brides think that bringing in a photo of their dream wedding cake will help clarify for their bakers what it is that they want and expect on their big day.

[shaking head] Those sweet, silly girls.


In reality, these photos are more like "guidelines." A springboard, if you will, from which the baker may or may not spring - and then into heretofore unheard-of realms of artistic "expression."

Perhaps some examples will help.

Bride Laurie S. asked for this cake, only in ivory and with blue flowers instead of white:

Instead, she got this:


Kirstie also wanted a cascading floral design, like this:


Which her baker recreated pretty well, except for one key detail:


Sharon L. wanted this gorgeous topsy-turvy design:

...only in 3 tiers and using her colors of fuchsia, orange, and lime.

Her baker's interpretation?


And finally, this bride wanted her seashell-themed cake to rise to new heights:


Instead, she got one that was apparently dropped from great heights: