professional cakes - cakes wrecks

These cakes have been left to wallow in their freakish misery forever, but we viewers are the ones who really suffer for it.

For example, tell me you don't get a brain-ache from trying to comprehend...

"Pool Party Patty" has some serious 'splainin' to do.

You know what every caramel cheesecake needs?

Pretty much anything but large poo-swirls topped with plastic mold-specked hot dogs and hamburgers, that's what. Although I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the little surfing 'dog on the left:

C'mon, a mini hot dog riding a poo wave? What's not to love?

And lastly, check out what Amy S. got for her rehearsal dinner when she requested a simple sheet cake with a logo on it:

I don't know what that is either, Amy, but I hear the chocolate coating helps it go down easier.


Moira & Stephanie E., these cakes are inconceivable.

I know you're still reeling from the heady celebration of my own birthday, but now we have another excuse to wreck some cakes, sing songs, and get sloshed on sprinkles:


Let the rejoicing...[dramatic pause]...begin.

Yep, one year ago today I was thinking, "Hey, this might be a fun diversion for a few weeks. Thank goodness for the anonymity of the internet! No one will ever know."


Yeeeeaaahh.

Still, to all of you who have become faithful readers, loyal fans, and virtual friends*, thank you. You've helped make this the most exciting year of my life, and I am forever grateful.

And to you persnickety trolls who continue to inform me, in many and colorful ways, just how vast the suckage quotient of this blog is: May you someday start a blog and moderate your own trollish comments. (Harsh, yes, but it's got to be said.)

Also, a quick reminder: although the retail price of my book Cake Wrecks is $12.99, there are some fantastic discounts to be had if you pre-order it online now. It's currently available at Barnes & Noble, Borders, and Amazon.

Thanks, guys, and Wreck on!

- Jen

(*I mean that in a good way.)

The cake-inscription industry would be lost without the exclamation point. See?

Even when you triple the amount of periods, it's just not the same.

Here we have your basic punctuation sampler platter. For those of you who like to mix it up, we've got your period, your exclamation point, and your extraneous quotation marks.

That's not to say you can't make a good Wreck even with a correct exclamation point, of course:


We all know the classically over-enthusiastic Wreckerator:


Which submitter Michelle A. would like us all to know she did NOT order:

See?

If those exclamation points are a little over-the-top, though, then these are more after-the-fact:

Don't you love it when a good plan comes together? And check out the pickled ginger accents - mmmm. Appetizing.

Angela K.!, Angie S.!, Nicole D.!, & Jenn M.!,* Thanks!!!


*Not sure what a .!, looks like, exactly. Maybe a chicken with a tiny tear? Awww. So sad.

(ATTN PARENTS: This post contains material somewhat "adult" in nature.)

Once upon a time there was a girl named Amber.

Amber decided that school was not for her. Fortunately, she had loving and supportive parents.


One day Amber was offered an exciting new job. To celebrate, she added an apostrophe to her name, thinking it would make her seem more sophisticated. Again, her parents were supportive.

Unfortunately, introducing herself as "Amber - the apostrophe is silent" did not yield the results Amber was hoping for. Still, she did make some new friends at work: Cassie the C...er...Cat, and "Long Lips" Lisa.

Of course, every job has its hazards:


Which Lisa and Cassie were always there to commiserate with:


Then one day, after an unfortunate misunderstanding between the girls and a city health inspector looking for "clogged plumbing", disaster:


Amber said goodbye to her newfound - albeit diseased - friends, and despaired over finding another job to suit her rather unique skill set and wardrobe. Fortunately, her ever-supportive parents were way ahead of her:



THE END.

Thanks to today illustrious Wreckporters Wendy E., Monique R., Alex H., Michele D., & Amber (no apostrophe) S., and Alexa B.

(Before we bring on today's Wreckage, let us pause to pray to the literary powers-that-be that the English-to-Spanish translation site I just used isn't some frat-boy prank, and that "cascajo" doesn't actually mean something like "beaver toe." [closing eyes] Pleasepleasepleaseplease.)

As a refresher, here's what Dora the Explorer, the spunky Spanish-teaching cartoon character, usually looks like:


And here she is looking at you, kid.





Lastly, though, is a truly "special" Dora. A Dora that stands out in the crowd. A Dora that says, "my baker sees the world a little differently." A "manager's special" Dora, if you will:



Karin D., Jenn E., Derek C., por favor manténganse se alejado de las puertas.
(That's the extent of my Spanish, courtesy of the Walt Disney World monorail. Like it?)

Legos aren't just for kids anymore; there's a thriving artist community that builds amazing sculptures, mosaics, and other art pieces with them. You know, like cake:

'Course, those cakes are made of real Legos. But how about some cakes made of Legos made of cake?

Number of Lego bricks individually cut and trimmed? 125
Number of Lego "studs", placed one by one? 442
Hours to create? "at least" 8
Site of the crazily devoted Mom responsible? Jumpin' Monkies

And get this: she's not a professional baker, y'all. Wowza. (Thanks to Such Cool Stuff for the link!)

Here's the Goliath version by Chocmocakes:



I've seen a couple of mid-construction Lego wedding cakes, but I really like this one:


But if you wanted something more subtle, here's a cool minimalist version:


Love it! (More pics of the Lego-themed wedding here.)

And lastly, for you cupcake types, some gorgeous examples by the oh-so-talented Hello Naomi:



*Similar Sweets: Lego Batman: The Video Game

I'm sure this will be shocking to absolutely none of you, but I've always been a big Dilbert fan. Probably because he reminds me so much of my Dad, who I think is an engineer, but to this day I couldn't tell you exactly what he does for a living. (Words like "quality" and "resource" and "Brillouin-Scattering Centro-Symmetrical Birefringence" factor in there somehow, I believe.)

Anyway, for those of you not familiar with the strip, Dilbert's dog Dogbert likes to go around exorcising people of their stupidity, like so:


Which is pretty hilarious, and also what Leni's coworkers wanted on their department manager's birthday cake.

Instead, they got this: