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Overselling It

Posted by Unknown Monday, July 25, 2011 0 comments

"Good day, Madam! Please allow me to welcome you to the West Rutheford Winery, Gastropub and Patisserie. Might I offer you a moist towelette?"

"Um, no. I just need to order a cake for my son's birthday, please."

"But of course! We have many, many cakes to choose from. If I may point out on our Ménu dú Jöur, here you see we have our Incredibly Moist Chocolate Cake Uniquely Finished By Hand With Butter Cream Icing."

"As you can see, it is 'Great For Any Occasion.'"

"Finished by hand? Are you sure feet weren't involved?" [smirking]

[ahem] "Ah, yes, very amusing. Well, Madam, if that is not your particular cup of Earl Gray, might I suggest our Moist Gold Cake Uniquely Hand Finished Tastes Just Like A Real "WATERMELON"?

"Soooo, it tastes like a watermelon?"

"Not at all, Madam. It tastes like a 'WATERMELON.'"

"Ah."

"Ah, but I have saved the best for last! It is the pièce de résistance of our repertoire, the crème de la crème, the horloge de le stylo du la baguette fo di fa fa! Behold!

"A Rich Belgian Chocolate Cup filled with a layer of moist yellow Cake, Fudge, and sweet cream Ice Cream and topped with fluffy white Frosting...

...and a menstrual duo."

"Ew."

"As you might expect, this is available but once a month."

...

"Madam? Wait! Where are you going?!"

Thanks to eagle-eyed Wreckporters Dawn C. and Aimee W. who are just glad that last one isn't red velvet.

Oh, and since *I* couldn't figure it out, I thought you might want to know that last label should read minstrel - which is apparently a type of cake. Plus, when Aimee pointed it out to the manager she shrugged, said they were all probably like that, and put it back on the shelf. Yay, quality control!

The Future's So Brite...

Posted by Unknown Tuesday, June 28, 2011 0 comments

With graduation season over, you might be tempted to revel in the heady hopes of a brighter tomorrow, what with all these freshly educated, newly degreed youngins descending upon our workforce and all.

I'm here to fix all that.

This cake was supposed to say - I kid you not - "It's a girl."

That apostrophe placement will be haunting my dreams tonight.

Of course, it's also possible to get the spelling and punctuation perfect, while still completely missing the point:

Granted, this could be a "he said, she said" issue.

Hey, remember when preschoolers were taught to put the square blocks in the square holes, and the round blocks in the round holes?

Do they not do that anymore?

For some reason I'm getting the feeling this is supposed to be a base"ball." Odd.

And remember that toy with the pull string that told you what the dog says?

Do they not have those anymore, either?

Wait. Is that a cat?

Ok, now I'm really confused.

Still, I guess we can take comfort in knowing that these wreckerators won't always be wreckerators:

Eventually they'll get promoted to management.

Thanks to Becky A., Jane R., Stacey S., Jennifer V., & Alissa P., who want to ask that employee in the background, "Hey, why the long face?"

Six Ways to Celebrate Your New Engagement

Posted by Unknown Wednesday, June 8, 2011 0 comments

- With giant yellow donuts:

Mmmm. Doooonuts.

- With "lots" and "lots" of "hearts."

"Perfect."

- By planning ahead.

Way, way, WAY ahead.

- By stressing the importance of family:

Actually, Darth Vader fighting Luke in honor of an impending marriage is kind of awesome. Let's just hope your in-laws have a good sense of humor.

(And make sure the baby shower cake looks like this.)

- By comparing your new life together to violently killing things:

"Here we see the groom taking aim at his violently diarrheatic bride-to-be.

"Ah, young love."

(Don't worry, kids; he's only going to tranq her 'til the green diarrhea stops.)

Or, of course, there's always the old standby:

- A syrupy sweet public display of affection that'll leave your guests sick to their stomachs:

"Dude. Some of us are trying to eat over here!"

Thanks to Sandy S., Abbey A., Matthew W., Rachel C., Naomi H., & Jule Ann H., who are so syrupy sweet they should be on a stack of pancakes.

But I am not advocating cannibalism.

I'm Grad, I'm Grad, You Know It, HEEE hee!

Posted by Unknown Tuesday, June 7, 2011 0 comments

Graduation season is upon us, which means you're going to be seeing a lot of stuff like this:

But then, I guess you see guys in sunglasses driving trucks pretty often anyway.

Still, when it comes to celebrating your graduation, not just any cake will do. We're talking years and years of educational accomplishment here! You need something special. Something momentous. Something, dare I say...groundbreaking?

Booyah.

(I dubbeth thee "earthcake.")

Or, for those who like things a little twisted:

The Grad Tornado.

(Get off my lawn!)

You could also go the "Wait...what?" route:

Are You Grad! Are You Grad!

Wait.

What?

Well, if all else fails, there's always the simple, heart-felt, "Congratulations":

Or, sure, something like that.

Thanks to wreckporters Tracie K., Jessica S., Shelley G., John I., & Heather W. for the education.

------------------------------------------------

Class Acts

Posted by Unknown Wednesday, May 4, 2011 0 comments

Hey there, teachers! This week is for you! So, in honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, we'd like to say thanks to all teachers, past and present, the only way we know how:

With embarrassingly ironic school cakes.

It's the least we can do for you, teachers. After all, you've taught us so many invaluable lessons.

Like punctuation...

Read this out loud. You'll sound like "William," "Shatner."

...basic math...

I'm guessing the flux capacitor costs extra.

...and creative writing!

This is why you don't submit cake orders via Twitter.

Yes, teachers, if you hadn't taught us these basic skills, we might end up looking like total boobs!

And just think what would happen to our stick-figure drawing skills!

You're responsible for molding us from the very beginning...

Sure, just put those letters anywhere.

...all the way into adulthood, preparing us for the outside world!

I gradulate this wreckorator for making me water the keyboard. Through my nose.

So, teachers, we salute you - because even if I broke the safety scissors, slept through class, and skipped most of Senior year...

...I don't think I turned out so bad, after all.

Thanks to Aimee S., Anonymous 1 & 2, Cassandra B., Cassie P., Holly H., Jennifer C., and Sarah F. for these school house wrecks.

Say, have you thanked a teacher today?

Gootchie Goos

Posted by Unknown Friday, April 8, 2011 0 comments

Jen and I have been in D.C. this week to visit some friends, see the sights, and catch the plague like we do every time we leave the house. Of course, one of the best parts for me was getting to hang out with our friends' two kids, who are both as adorable as baby sloths yet have enough energy to power Detroit.

Now, we don't actually have children (unless you count the ones with claws and hairballs) but this trip has put me in a baby kind of mood. Granted, I'm as seedless as a bag of lettuce*, but indulge me, won't you?

*See also:
Sterile as a box of Band-Aids
Fruitless as a butcher shop
Pulp-free

Technically, it's also of girl.

I think that's spelled "Toby."

You're right: "3 Times" was just silly. Much better to cross out the "s" with that exclamation point.

Ok, nobody panic. We're just gonna need some hot towels, a flashlight, and a low voltage car battery. And no sudden movements.

Well, yee-haw! Good for you, son!

And finally,

Guess Who!!

Aaaaand the baby mood is gone.

I do, however, miss my cats.

Hey Kelly R., Merideth J., Kimberly G., Danielle R., Beverly S., Anony M., Susan G., & Sarah W., is there a doctor in the house?

Conversation Starters

Posted by Unknown Tuesday, February 15, 2011 0 comments

Show of hands: who got a box of conversation hearts yesterday? You know, the chalky little candies printed with whimsical messages of friendship and affection? Like "Booty Infl8n?"

Ok, now put your hands down. You're just embarrassing yourself.

I only ask because some lucky individuals received cake or cookie versions of the famous candies yesterday, and I'm wondering if they're all as whimsical as this:

Hey, it's no "huge me," but I'd take it.

Well I'll try, but darned if I know what "MNE" is.

Gosh, I've never been called neck wear before. Um...thank U?

Aw.
The best part is this doesn't make me want to run away and file a restraining order at all.

If you're asking, then a) Seriously? and b) No.

And you're going to need another your/you're refresher.

Seriously.

No, seriously seriously.

Come over here so I can slap you.

On second thought, stay over there.
Way, way over there.

You know, part of me thinks this simply has to mean "Sun Shine"...
but the other part remembers how to write a capital S.

So I'm torn.

Thanks to wreckporters Mike L., Jennifer M., Erin, Mariel K., Sarah, Noah E., Andrew T., Amy Z., Jacque K., & Susan R., who think we should give 'em something to talk about it: LOVE.

And then maybe a dictionary.

The Question Mark Is In Case You're Just Getting Fat

Posted by Unknown Wednesday, January 26, 2011 0 comments

Love,

Your Co-Workers

(And also Jamie M., who thinks you're positively glowing.
Or that you need to lay off the break room donuts.)

Happy Boss'es...Boss'...Bosses...Bossy Day!

Posted by Unknown Monday, October 18, 2010 0 comments

Quick! How do you spell the singular possessive of "boss?"

Nooo...

Well, there IS an apostrophe...but no.

(Also, what is that? A frosted book?)

You're getting closer. You just need to lose one of those letters.

Not that letter.

Wait. "Nappy Boos's Day"? With a period? Seriously? Maybe this is a lost cause...

A-HA!! YES! You spelled it ri...oh. Wait. No, you're still wrong here. See, the plural of "boss" is just "bosses."

[rubbing temples with eyes closed] Um. Ok. Look. Yes, you did spell the plural of "boss" right, but "Boss's Day" is possessive. Plus you spelled "you're" wrong.

Now, "possessive" means that...[blinking]...ah, screw it. Can you just write the word "boss" so it's not plural OR possessive?

I'm really starting to question your taste level.

And you still spelled "you're" wrong.

Look, I don't think avoiding the issue is the answer. And stop saying, "Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays." That pin was lame in 1982. It's not getting any better.

[sigh] Alright, look, you want to see the perfect cake to get your boss? Something that gets right to the heart of the matter? Something spelled correctly, and conveying just the right amount of gratitude?

Then here:

Mission accomplished.

Jeneec K., Eric, Annette, Michelle O., Jennifer N., Angela P., Mandy W., Kate C., & Anony M., I say from now on we call it "Bossy Day." Who's with me?

Note from John: Yes. Some people accept Bosses Day as correct. However, if you think about the fact that this is a day for either your boss or your bosses, it really should be Boss's Day or Bosses' Day. Of course the original singular possessive of boss was Boss' but I think this hurt our American brains so we added the s. Just make sure you never use Bosseses' Day. bossbossbossbossboss