professional cakes - cakes wrecks

If you guys thought the first wedding disaster cake was bad, hold on to your pantaloons.

Alright, let's set the scene: here's what the bride asked for, only in all white with minor green accents.




Now, I would tell you to take a moment to prepare yourselves for the horror you're about to witness, but frankly no amount of time would be adequate. So just go ahead and scroll down now.



I'll give you a moment.

[whistling]

Back in your seat now? Good. Because believe it or not, there's more. Aw yeah.

1) The top tier still had the Springform pan under it.

2) The cake "base" is a metal sign.

3) I swear I am not making this up.

Ok, so the bottom levels are covered with a fondant lumpier than the Bearded Lady's thighs, and the top tier is the wrong shape and isn't even iced completely. I see all that, and yet you know what the funniest bit to me is? Those green lines up the sides, which I can only assume are attempts at "ribbons": not only are they as unlike ribbons as icing can possibly get, but they don't even line up! Somehow that last bit of lunacy just sends me over the edge.

(This post is also the first in a new category: Missed Marks. Because nothing is quite so wrecktastic as when you see what it was supposed to look like.)

Now like you, I'm sure, I was highly skeptical about this being a "professional" cake. However, the e-mail came from the bride herself, and she seemed outraged enough to be telling the truth. (Yes, a replacement cake was procured at the eleventh hour.) I can only assume the icing and generic tips in the photo were purchased to try and "fix" the cake after it was picked up. In fact, Vicky C., if you're reading this, you might want to chime in on the Comments section now, just to back me up here.

[crickets chirping]

Vicky? Er, Vicky, c'mon now, this isn't funny.

[crickets still chirping]

Seriously, Vicky: tell the people I'm telling the truth. Vicky? Er...Vicky?


Vicky?!?

UPDATE: YES!! Vicky the bride has spoken!!! Check the Comments section for her assurances of this cake's validity. (You'll have to scroll waaaay down; you guys are certainly letting your voices be heard on this one, aren't you?)

We've officially come full circle, folks: people are now making Wrecks on purpose, either in honor of the site or just to recreate their favorite specimens. Check it out:


This wrecktastic design was the brainchild of readers Alissa, Elisa, Phillip, Gail & Tara. Hey guys, shouldn't the baby be riding one of those carrots?


Msyendor was more musically inspired: here's a song to the tune of "Working on the Railroad":

"I've been looking at some Cake Wrecks,
And laugh until I cry.
I've been looking at some Cake Wrecks,
So glad one isn't mine!

Visions of sweet disasters
See 'Toe Jams' 8/11/08.
Missed spellings gaily plastered
Ferule to, uh, pree, she aaaate!

Baby butts upturned,
'Wachungas' -what a word,
Effigies invite you: Slash away!

Psychedelic dreams,
Done in tasty butter cream,
I'm putting in an order today!"

Readers Aimee C., Amy G., Jessica S., & Amanda K. threw a Cake Wreck Decorating Party:

A "patchwork quilt" of "wreckish elements". (If you say so, guys...)


And a nicely inappropriate use of quotation marks. "Excellent!"



"Run, Wall-E, Run!"

Here's an official Wreck, since it was professionally made for an Army guy. Submitter Lena had the decorator replace the original inscription with the most famous of Wreck mistakes, and then swapped Eve out for a toy tank. (Which is especially funny when you realize the blue is supposed to be the night sky - it's a Hover Tank!) Believe it or not, though, the space poos are part of the original design - proving that it wasn't that far off from wreckiness to begin with.


And lastly, the quintessential Cake Wrecks homage:


Not only is the inscription referencing at least five separate Wrecks, it's also rocking some extremely unbalanced sprinkles distribution and crazy clashing red dots. Score!

Teresa B. and gang, you rock. Totally.

After yesterday's doggone post, I figured this was only appropriate.

(And yes, the pics are from two different sources.)


Thanks to Kristin F., & Michelle B.!

Well, at least the cake-giver is precise. Can't have any raised expectations, now, can we?

"It's exactly one time, alright? Not 1.5, not even 1.001 - just ONE. Like to the 3rd decimal: one point zero zero zero. Got it? Now pass me the Advil, and don't go getting all handsy."

Wreckporter Jenifer tells me her hubby found this gem pre-decorated, so any backstory was completely in the mind of the decorator. (There's a scary thought.) You do have to wonder why a puppy dog was chosen to be the bearer of such lackluster news, though. Well, unless that "bow" is actually a grievous head wound; I suppose a dead dog would be appropriately depressing. Hm.

Hey! Speaking of dead dogs:


This poor little pooch looks utterly pooped. Or deceased. One of the two, anyway. And those eyes are waaay too realistic for me: who wants their cake slice to be giving them puppy dog eyes - er, I mean, eye?

Geri C., we'll just save that piece for you, eh?


UPDATE: Many of you have alerted me to the fact that in some countries a decimal point is used instead of a comma, which would make the first cake say "I love 1,000 Time!" However, a) that still makes no sense b) it would also make it grammatically incorrect, and c) it was purchased in the good ol' US of A. So either way, it's still a Wreck.

On a side note, I initially thought of posting a link to Mariah Carey's song "I'll Be Lovin' U Long Time", since that's the first thing that popped into my head. After some consideration, though, I decided I liked you all too much to inflict that kind of torture.

Janet T. provided the best portrayal I've ever seen of Tom Selleck in icing. (Well, ok, technically it's also the only portrayal of Tom Selleck in icing I've seen.) But that chest hair -- egads! Looks like Emma will be having a very "Hairy" birthday indeed. [shudder]

(UPDATE: This Wreck has been claimed! Thanks to baker Alicia for being such a good sport.)

If you prefer to be shot through the heart, though, you could request the "V-neck special" slice from this Bon Jovi cake:

Don't get me wrong; those frosted highlights are totally rad, dude, but, like, where's his nose? And those stars of David - Oy vay! Get me some bad medicine, stat; this cake is giving more than love a bad name*.


Hmm. You know, I'm thinking this post just isn't Wrecky enough. [Virtually rifling through submissions] AHA!! Here we go:



The best part? It's called a "Macho Man Cake". [Cue the Village People] That's right: it's not an 8-year old boy; it's a MACHO man. Who waxes. And, er, drools black stuff. And likes to lay in a bed of mustard. And has some serious groin grooming issues. And - oh, you get the idea.



*Mini Wrecks contest: whoever works the most Bon Jovi song titles into their comment wins! Not an actual prize or anything, you know; just fame and glory. ;)

Be sure to check out Rather Good for more general hilarity.

Oh, and Josh, one question: how would one go about getting one's spouse to STOP WHISTLING THIS &%@!$ TUNE?!? That is, if one had such a whistling spouse. You know, like, in theory.

Usually the goods in a shop window are supposed to be, well, good. But with advertising like this, who needs competition?



Between the faded-out colors and crumbled who-knows-what littering her face, Tyra has seen better days.



I can see why the construction crew was called in: this cake-tastrophe not only split the earth asunder, it also rained cigarette ash from the sky. Nice blue border though. Er, why is that there again?




Nah, these aren't Wrecks. They're actually kind of cool, in a bizarre way - so I thought I'd share. The green prickly one in particular fascinates me.




Bummer.




What in the Sam hill is going on here?!? Is that supposed to be Barbie's skirt? Because it looks like some massive icing eruption, with her shooting out of the top like a human cannon ball.


And speaking of eruptions and cannon balls, I hope I don't get in too much trouble for posting these next, honorary "cake" Wrecks:


Really, these have got to be the least phallic looking phalli I've ever seen - so if your kids ask, they're little rocket ships, mkay? Just ignore that little sign. Check out the sweet display setup, too: that yellow plastic bucket is totally selling 'em. And what do you suppose that crumbly bread-ish looking thing is next to it? Wait, scratch that; I don't want to know.



Thanks to eagle-eyed Wreckporters Mark T., Monique R., MR, Rachel D., and Xanna C.